I depend on alcohol to have a really good time. I’ve openly admitted, as a heterosexual man, that I quite fancy Brad Pitt. I’ve even stolen money from my mum’s purse. I’m comfortable enough with who I am to admit these too you today, but they do not compare with what I am about to say … 

I was thinking about this little phrase the last time I was out shopping.  I think therefore I am.  And it morphed, as my thoughts are want to do, into I shop therefore I am. 

I learned long ago that having a head full of knowledge isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sure it has its perks. I certainly would never have been able to woo my wife were it not for my cranium of lady-killing obscure sports knowledge. (Back then I loved to win the women over with my recital of the 10 best seasons by a field goal kicker in college football history, with Sade's “Smooth Operator” playing in the background.) 

Okay, I was thinking about what the definition is of a good wife. I think I am a pretty good wife, but that is by my own definition, and admittedly very lax. I have weeks on when I am good and then I have weeks, or, er, months off where I just let the dust and dirt and piles of toys build up everywhere and don't even notice let alone care. I admit I couldn't give a monkey's ass about cleaning, apart from bathrooms and toilets, because, well, my dad didn't clean his toilet for years and the memory of his brown encrusted toilet bowl has scared me for life. 

I realize I’m a big girl. I’ve never tried to deny that like some people might – and you know exactly who I’m talking about! There are people who live in their own fantasy world and I’ll admit I’m jealous. I knew a girl once who wore clothes that she REALLY shouldn’t have been wearing. Then she lost a lot of weight – though I hear she’s still chunky and gaining it back – and I swear the clothes got shorter and tighter! 

Have you ever wondered why slapstick comedy is so timeless?  Why is a dude catching a wiffle ball between his nads so funny?  We wince as we watch it but we also double over from laughter.