My son, much like his mother, loves television.

Most of all? He loves the shows about animals. Because when he grows up? He’s going to be an Amazing Crocodile Hunter/Pro-Wrestler/Really Awesome Dentist. Possibly? A dentist for animals. He’s not sure yet.

Living amongst my peers for the majority of the year has allowed my use of obscenities to blossom into pretty much every sentence I use. However for those few weeks of the year when I return home to get my bed sheets washed and dine on food that hasn't turned a bit too grey I have to curb my love for the swear so as not to tarnish my parents 1950s lifestyle. 

This dieting thing is really no fun, but since I am thinnish now, I will have to keep it up until the dawn of time. It is just a question of mindset. I mean, when I got married, sure, I could lust after a young buck with firm abs, but I'd stop at the point of chatting up said buck in a bar or starting a raging passionate affair. Because you just don't do that, do you? 

Dude, what are you looking for....f*cking eggrolls?

Sometimes I wish I'd think of this sh*t when it comes to me.

But I digress.

I just returned from Disney World in Florida (Florida state motto: You WILL be old).  During my trip, I had the pleasure of going through multiple security checks at both the airport and the stupid f*cking theme parks.

When was the first time you saw a penis? I don’t mean as an adult when you already knew what it was, but as a kid, for the first time ever. Was it your Dad’s? Your brother’s? Maybe it was your weird Uncle Harold who was always trying to get you to hide in the closet with him? I remember my first time like it was yesterday. . .
 

I have a lot of music. And when I listen to music, I usually sing along – especially in my car. But while I like to imagine myself on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans, exuding an image of totally awesome coolness, I'm almost certain that I look like a deranged doofus to anybody who pulls along side me.

Lock the doors, Ethel, the guy in that green Honda Civic is yelling at the voices in his head! He'll probably pull an Uzi out any second!

In the beginning God created the universe, the earth, and so on and so forth.  Then he got to Eve.  Eve was called Eve for a good reason.  She didn’t start functioning until evening.  If electricity had existed back then, the lights would have been on but Eve wouldn’t be home.  She was the first night owl.  God told Adam, who happened to be a lark, “Enjoy the day and the night, for they are both my creations.”  But then that damned snake, who was also a morning creature, came along.  Eve ate the forbidden fruit, and God was angered.

My three year old nephew, Joey, is quite a unique kid.  He's inquisitive and intelligent and energetic.  And like most children, he finds wonder in life's mundane moments.  Hence, the question, "Is that monkey poop?"

Where he comes up with this stuff I'll never know.