About 6 or 7 years ago I met, through work, a very handsome and established guy. We’ll call him Tarzan. Tarzan was SO nice and SO handsome but, our schedules never matched up. Finally, one weekend - as I was flying back from a weekend in Nantucket - he called and asked if I wanted to get together that night to watch Sex and the City, a man after my own heart. I said sure and invited him over knowing that the only TV in my apartment with cable was in the bedroom. Whoops.
 

I read something in the newspaper the other day that was probably the most depressing thing I’ve ever read. It probably says a lot about me that it had nothing to do with poverty or war, or even the slow death of our planet, but was in fact about the male libido – more specifically, that men experience their sexual peak at twenty-two years old. 

When you're graced by the presence (or rather, virtual presence) of one who actually thinks your a good writer and funny, it is almost guaranteed that you will run out of inspiration of what to write. 

Just show them the lobsters…then back the f*ck away.

The Deli lady.

Three hundred pounds of two-tooth, white trash, cheese-dispensing terror.

Freaks. Me. Out. 

If it weren't for jewelry store commercials I might not feel so strongly about this.  Diamond advertisements are so terrible.  What is it about expensive rocks that make them represent love and commitment?  I think it's disgusting. 

I'm as into saving the world as the next gal.  I recycle and I even have a compost bin, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take the next step.  Soon, however, I may find myself using pee-rechargeable batteries.  

I call bullshit. I call bullshit on everyone with a Bluetooth headset for their phone. I don't think those things work at all. I think what's really going on, the secret no one wants to talk about, is that we as a nation are facing an epidemic of paranoid schizophrenia the likes of which have never been seen. 

I can't go anywhere these days without somebody stopping me on the street, saying “I just lost my job AGAIN! And my bosses keep telling me I have a big mouth. What am I doing wrong?” To this I usually say, “I have no idea. Maybe you have a big mouth. And why are you telling me this? Do I have 'employment counselor' written on my forehead? I don't know you.”