I've had a lot of jobs in my life, many of them ugly. I cleaned air conditioners over a summer, which turned my snot gray. I worked an amazing five years at McDonald's -- five years! -- where I learned that the gun used to place a gob of tartar sauce on a bun had better distance when turned toward a co-worker than did the Big Mac sauce gun.

I've also sold newspapers, worked at a gym filled with half-naked seminarians and delivered flyers door-to-door. I even worked as a -- gulp! -- telemarketer.

None of these could have held a candle to the job I didn't take. And the story proves that decisions made when you're young and half-asleep and desperate to stay in bed can, in fact, be good decisions.

I have a t-shirt that I designed that can gauge the stupidity of everyone around me.  It's accurate within a three percent margin.  And it never fails to point out the stupid people in the crowd.

I was walking with a friend the other day and wearing the shirt.  People were pointing at my shirt and laughing.  (I think they were laughing at the shirt and not me)  Then they would mutter what they thought it said, "I'm with Stupid." 

Raisins are People.

Don't believe me?  Yeah...probably a good idea.

However, when you have children, there's all kinds of things you can corrupt their minds with.

Lying, I find, is the fastest and most efficient way to do this.

Ever notice how certain groups of people tend to look the same?  Nerds develop the neat haircut and mismatched clothing.  Construction workers get tattoos and grow stubby beards.  Accountants wear glasses and exfoliate profusely.  And televangelists have helmet coifs and capped teeth.

What's the deal?

Is there a televangelist finishing school deep in the bowels of South Carolina?  You go in with the gift of gab and graduate with the televangelist inflection, new dental work and a large can of hairspray?  Women get the Crayola make-up set and Visine. 

Will the owner of Victoria Beckham’s butt please stand?

Not her real butt.  I’m talking about the one that appears in that perfume ad she and Becks have out.  It’s called Intimately Beckham.  Talk about intimate.  What could be more intimate than having someone else’s rear stuck on yours?  That’s a very interesting photographic ménage à trois they’ve got going on there:  Vicky, Becky, and Mystery Butt.  

Interview questions for potential new employees at my current place of employment:

Question 1: Are you a sadistic asshole?

Question 2: Has anyone ever said to you, “Your momma don’t love you and your daddy don’t care” and it’s actually true?

Question 3: Do you have extreme problems with people of the opposite sex?

Question 4: Have you ever been fired for having a serious attitude or anger problem and/or threatening anyone?

My Mother has claimed to have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) for years now. She would tell me how she would start a project and before completion, her mind would wander and the project would lie untouched, unfinished for days, weeks, forever. I never could understand why she, and so many other people, instantly jump to ADD. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of good, old fashioned boredom? It’s part of the reason, lack of time being the other reason, why we don’t sit and read an entire book in one afternoon. Everyone needs a break at some point!

1.    Sweeney Todd.
2.    Anyone who asks you if his Crocs go with his tie.
3.    Someone who watches their money as if it's a dinosaur egg hatching. High up in a tree. On Jupiter.