 Ross Cavins is 36, twice divorced and lives with his cat in the sunny South. He writes because his cat is whiny and can't hold a decent conversation. His current goal in life is to become a household name like Oreos, Liquid Drano and Tampax. He strives to be as famous a writer as Stephen Kingsley, his neighbor down the street that edits the Obituaries column on Sundays. You know who he's talking about.
He likes long walks in the woods (preferably with mosquito repellent and a crooked walking cane made from a broken branch), adores oatmeal creme pies, is fascinated by cleavage, and is easily amused by kittens playing. And more importantly, he is currently single, without an agent, a publisher or a significant other. He has been published at or is being published at the following places: hackwriters.com , usadeepsouth.com , swillmagazine.com , hissquarterly.com , Blue Mountain Arts , deadmule.com . His personal website is located here: rosscavins.com Email: me[@at]rosscavins.com
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Thursday, 08 May 2008 |
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  You never hear that phrase in today's media. Not in movies or on television. Not in commercials or in the news. You never read it in the paper or in a novel. But they exist, the multi-thousand dollar businesses. In fact, we're surrounded by them.
They're upstaged by their older, better-looking brother, the multi-million dollar business. They're so upstaged that they're never mentioned. Like they're not worth enough to waste oxygen or ink or bytes on.
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Thursday, 24 April 2008 |
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 One of my bosses is an eighty-five year old man. He still gets around and comes to work every day although he forgets his mobile phone all the time and misplaces his keys with abandon. Yet he can quote numbers and distant memories with the accuracy of the History Channel. It's amazing.
But he pisses on the toilet seat like a drooling toddler.
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Thursday, 17 April 2008 |
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 I have a t-shirt that I designed that can gauge the stupidity of everyone around me. It's accurate within a three percent margin. And it never fails to point out the stupid people in the crowd.
I was walking with a friend the other day and wearing the shirt. People were pointing at my shirt and laughing. (I think they were laughing at the shirt and not me) Then they would mutter what they thought it said, "I'm with Stupid."
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Tuesday, 08 April 2008 |
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 I got hit in the nuts yesterday. It was pretty painful. Earlier I wrote about how that kind of thing is funny . It's not.
It actually hurts pretty damn bad.
In fact, my boys still hurt at this moment.
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Wednesday, 02 April 2008 |
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 I have a friend that smells. He smells bad. Real bad. We all have had one of these friends at some time in our lives. One of those friends that really stinks. They're our Stinky Friend.
My Stinky Friend doesn't shower. I don't know why. Maybe he's afraid of water. Maybe it's afraid of him.
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Monday, 24 March 2008 |
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 The only thing more distracting to a man than cleavage is a good set of hard nipples. It is a proven fact that if a woman aproaches a man, and her nipples are erect, he ... will ... look.
It is physically impossible to look a woman straight in the eyes when she has eraser nipples. It can't be done.
Not even by a gay man.
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