When I was about ten or eleven I was forced to watch the movie “Gone with the Wind”. I know, I know. It’s an epic love story and it’s one of the greatest stories ever told and whatnot, but honestly? I didn’t care for it.

Possibly because I was eleven and still interested in Cabbage Patch Kids and stickers and unicorns and not love stories. I’m not sure. But since I was Southern girl, by God, my mom was going to force me to learn what to look for in a man. Which is apparently Rhett Butler, even though he could be a real prick at times and probably took some liberties with Scarlett that he shouldn’t have. Not that she wasn’t a lying bitch and acted just awful and probably if I knew her, I might punch her in her box.

But anyway, that’s not the point and I’m getting way off topic here. The point I’m trying to make is, Southern Gentlemen? Not that easy to find and/or recognize.

I moved to Tennessee in 2004. Within days of moving I knew all about the road construction which was coming to Interstate 40.

It's coming! The highway is falling down around us! Traffic and chaos and turmoil will ensue! Any minute now!

So today? Four years later? They closed an area of the highway. About one mile of the highway, in fact.

And the media? Came out in droves.

Lately, I’ve been partaking in a whole lot of really bad television.

I mean, I watch bad television in general. But lately? I’ve really sunk to all-time lows. In fact, over the past weekend? I not only watched “Flavor of Love 3”, “Rock of Love 2”, but also “Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp” and “I know my Kids a Star”. All of them.

I am so ashamed. I nearly called CPS on myself for merely allowing that garbage to be on the television. The kids weren’t even in the room, mind you, but the whole thing left me feeling dirty and nasty and somehow like I should go to confession. And I'm a Baptist, y'all.

Interview questions for potential new employees at my current place of employment:

Question 1: Are you a sadistic asshole?

Question 2: Has anyone ever said to you, “Your momma don’t love you and your daddy don’t care” and it’s actually true?

Question 3: Do you have extreme problems with people of the opposite sex?

Question 4: Have you ever been fired for having a serious attitude or anger problem and/or threatening anyone?

There are so, so many things I enjoy about being a mother, especially now that my children are getting older. Long gone are the sleepless nights. My kids can feed themselves, walk by themselves, and are even learning to cook. Being a mother of twins, I didn't exactly look forward to them being older, but I do take it as a welcome respite from the land of bulky upper arm muscles (have YOU ever tried to carry two infants at once?) and formula stained shoulders and smelling vaguely like puke and formula and despair.

In fact, the thing that really sucks about being a parent now?

The other parents.

I am a happily married woman.

No, really.

I am thankful for having such a lovely husband, for many reasons. He’s really nice, he’s funny, and he has really pretty teeth that he brushes often. He dresses really nicely and he smells good and, okay, honestly? He gives me a lot of blog fodder. But most of all, I’m glad I am married to him because that means I don’t have to date anymore.

Because dating? Both sucks and blows.