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Emma K
Emma K is a displaced Londoner who arrived in Baltimore, USA, eight years ago. I immediately put on a huge amount of weight due to indulging in your cheap but tasty fast food. I then had two children and the weight kept building. Eventually I lost my gym virginity at thirty-four and whittled myself down to the stunning vision you see before you. My ethnicity is complex, my mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?
My friend Daisy sleeps with her husband Darren and a rather smelly Beagle called Spot. And since her husband either can't or won't get it up, I have long told her that she might get more sex if she kicked Spot out of bed. But after what happened last night, I'm beginning to wonder whether maybe that advice was all wrong.
So my husband gets home from work and sniggers as he shows me a catalogue they gave him at work. He's meant to select a gift from it, which will be presented to him at an awards ceremony for five years of service at his company.
"Oh wow," I say, snatching the catalogue out of his hands. "They're giving you a free gift! Is it like something great, like a holiday in the Bahamas?"
This dieting thing is really no fun, but since I am thinnish now, I will have to keep it up until the dawn of time. It is just a question of mindset. I mean, when I got married, sure, I could lust after a young buck with firm abs, but I'd stop at the point of chatting up said buck in a bar or starting a raging passionate affair. Because you just don't do that, do you?
For those of you who think porn is something a little bit idiotic or a bit of harmless fun, let me now inform you that it is more, much more, than that.
In fact, it is a little known fact that porn drives the development of technology.
It's a strange new world that we live in. In ye olden days, men worked fifteen hours down the pit and came home all smeared in coal dust and went out and had a pint. And if the wife wouldn't let them ride her at the end of the night, well, the man would cheerfully mount any willing filly (or woman) in an approximately half mile radius of his house.
Okay, I was thinking about what the definition is of a good wife. I think I am a pretty good wife, but that is by my own definition, and admittedly very lax. I have weeks on when I am good and then I have weeks, or, er, months off where I just let the dust and dirt and piles of toys build up everywhere and don't even notice let alone care. I admit I couldn't give a monkey's ass about cleaning, apart from bathrooms and toilets, because, well, my dad didn't clean his toilet for years and the memory of his brown encrusted toilet bowl has scared me for life.
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Emma K is a displaced Londoner who arrived in Baltimore, USA, eight years ago. I immediately put on a huge amount of weight due to indulging in your cheap but tasty fast food. I then had two children and the weight kept building. Eventually I lost my gym virginity at thirty-four and whittled myself down to the stunning vision you see before you. My ethnicity is complex, my mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?
My friend Daisy sleeps with her husband Darren and a rather smelly Beagle called Spot. And since her husband either can't or won't get it up, I have long told her that she might get more sex if she kicked Spot out of bed. But after what happened last night, I'm beginning to wonder whether maybe that advice was all wrong. 
So my husband gets home from work and sniggers as he shows me a catalogue they gave him at work. He's meant to select a gift from it, which will be presented to him at an awards ceremony for five years of service at his company.
This dieting thing is really no fun, but since I am thinnish now, I will have to keep it up until the dawn of time. It is just a question of mindset. I mean, when I got married, sure, I could lust after a young buck with firm abs, but I'd stop at the point of chatting up said buck in a bar or starting a raging passionate affair. Because you just don't do that, do you? 
For those of you who think porn is something a little bit idiotic or a bit of harmless fun, let me now inform you that it is more, much more, than that.
It's a strange new world that we live in. In ye olden days, men worked fifteen hours down the pit and came home all smeared in coal dust and went out and had a pint. And if the wife wouldn't let them ride her at the end of the night, well, the man would cheerfully mount any willing filly (or woman) in an approximately half mile radius of his house. 
Okay, I was thinking about what the definition is of a good wife. I think I am a pretty good wife, but that is by my own definition, and admittedly very lax. I have weeks on when I am good and then I have weeks, or, er, months off where I just let the dust and dirt and piles of toys build up everywhere and don't even notice let alone care. I admit I couldn't give a monkey's ass about cleaning, apart from bathrooms and toilets, because, well, my dad didn't clean his toilet for years and the memory of his brown encrusted toilet bowl has scared me for life. 
