I've had a lot of jobs in my life, many of them ugly. I cleaned air conditioners over a summer, which turned my snot gray. I worked an amazing five years at McDonald's -- five years! -- where I learned that the gun used to place a gob of tartar sauce on a bun had better distance when turned toward a co-worker than did the Big Mac sauce gun.

I've also sold newspapers, worked at a gym filled with half-naked seminarians and delivered flyers door-to-door. I even worked as a -- gulp! -- telemarketer.

None of these could have held a candle to the job I didn't take. And the story proves that decisions made when you're young and half-asleep and desperate to stay in bed can, in fact, be good decisions.

Various scents, including perfume, have been popular throughout history for a simple reason: the world stunk. So they lit incense and used oils to hide the stinky world. And the stinky population, at least the stinky population that had money, used perfume to hide their smell.

Sounds like me in high school.

and I'm not afraid to use it!!

Dozens of people died when every single electronic device in the local hospital abruptly quit working Friday afternoon. Police say that, just before the event, witnesses spotted a visitor talking on a cell phone ...

A 747 jumbo jet crashed shortly after takeoff Monday, killing all but one of the 300 passengers. The lone survivor was found chatting on the cell phone with her old college roommate Barb ...

I have a lot of music. And when I listen to music, I usually sing along – especially in my car. But while I like to imagine myself on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans, exuding an image of totally awesome coolness, I'm almost certain that I look like a deranged doofus to anybody who pulls along side me.

Lock the doors, Ethel, the guy in that green Honda Civic is yelling at the voices in his head! He'll probably pull an Uzi out any second!

I go through a general process whenever I buy something that requires installation or assembly. It goes like this:

1. Return home excited at the prospect of the new product and rip it open five nanoseconds after I get home in spite of any other plans I may otherwise have.

2. Read the directions.

3. Curse loudly. 

I can't go anywhere these days without somebody stopping me on the street, saying “I just lost my job AGAIN! And my bosses keep telling me I have a big mouth. What am I doing wrong?” To this I usually say, “I have no idea. Maybe you have a big mouth. And why are you telling me this? Do I have 'employment counselor' written on my forehead? I don't know you.”