I was living in New York and in therapy with a woman named Maria who had a motor skill disease that made her sound like those impressionists who imitate Katherine Hepburn. Once she told me I should bring a stool onstage and call myself a "sit-down comic." Paying for that session nearly killed me.

I signed up for a class at the New York Improv and started dating a man named Peter. The therapy with Maria and the Improv classes were taking up a lot of my waitress salary so I told Maria I was quitting. She told me I couldn't leave and now I had to bring the new boyfriend into therapy, to make sure it would, you know, work out.  

1.    Sweeney Todd.
2.    Anyone who asks you if his Crocs go with his tie.
3.    Someone who watches their money as if it's a dinosaur egg hatching. High up in a tree. On Jupiter. 

I love watching cheerleader competitions on ESPN. Probably because I never made the squad during high school, unless you call 'cleaning up under the grandstands after the game' part of the squad. I always felt like a loser year after year after year when I got cut during the audition process. But this is not about my bitterness, hateful gym teachers and my subsequent psychotherapy.