Cletus H. Gibson
 Cletus H. Gibson hails to us from the bowels of the Appalachian mountains where until 2008, electricity was a luxury used sparingly. Even as you read this, Cletus writes his pieces long-hand and sends them via courier (mule) to the nearest internet cafe where a teenager named Frank enters them in for free moonshine.
Cletus was once part of the infamous Chuck and Cletus duo, but when Cletus slept with Chuck's sister, Geraldine, without prior permission, a riff formed between them. Subsequent attempts at reconciliation were rebuffed without comment, despite Cletus swearing it was just that one time and he didn't even get off (Geraldine's one blue eye and one brown eye kept distracting him).
Sometimes it takes months for news and information to make it to Cletus in his mountain abode so he is prone to spout off about events considered "old-hat" to the regular world. One thing he can guarantee is a different perspective on the world at large. Or at least what he can see from his front porch.
You can reach him at: cletus@scrivel.com Editor's Note: The H. stands for Harley. Cletus won't say any more about it.
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Written by Cletus H. Gibson
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
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  I know what you're thinking, but I ain't got no problem with women drivers. Not when they're driving. As long as they ain't putting on no makeup or talking on the phone or beating some kid in the back seat while they're trying to drive, I ain't got no problem.
But I got a favor to ask. When you park your car, get the f*ck out of it.
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Written by Cletus H. Gibson
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Wednesday, 02 July 2008 |
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 I read in the paper where a bald eagle in Idaho got an artificial beak because a poacher shot hers off. Excuse me?
I know bald eagles are an endangered species and whatnot. And I know it's not the eagle's fault she got shot ... but a prosthetic beak? I don't want to sound like an insensitive prick ... but I call bullshit.
I see what's coming next. The eagle can't procreate because the other bald eagles make fun of her new beak, call her names like "metal nose" and "big honker."
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Written by Cletus H. Gibson
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Wednesday, 18 June 2008 |
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 Spike Lee's done pissed off Clint Eastwood. Last month at that wussy film festival in Cannes, Spike made a comment about Clint not having no black guys in his two WWII films, "Flags of our Fathers" and "Letters from Iwo Jima."
Clint responded as only Clint could, telling Spike he was ignorant and he should "shut his face." Hell yeah, Clint! I'll bet he was fingering a pistol while he said it.
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