Writers On Hiatus:
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Holiday Cards: How we get our groove on.
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What We're Doing Right Now ...
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Uncle Beau  Proudly and loudly from the outskirts of Toledo, Ohio, you could never tell if Uncle Beau was either a cynical genius or obnoxiously insane. Only three others know quite what's inside his head at any given time: the woman that married him at gunpoint, Man-at-arms, and Orko. Beau moved down here (North Carolina) at the age of thirteen, he blew the girls away, was more than they'd seen……..Sorry, Tom Petty moment.
After high school, he was privileged enough to experience the American dream, which wasn't too far from working for food (complete with a sign and that new car smell), sleeping, and playing video games till the wee hours of Sunday at noon. Now he works a technician job as a non-professional land surveyor by day, and wears socks during sex at night. Seriously…..it gets cold.
Favorite things include popping bubble wrap slowly with protective goggles and waving the no-no area in front of small woodland animals on Sundays....around 12:35, in clogs.
Experience in writing includes his personal blog page, The Nothing Report (http://thenothingreport.blogspot.com) and mom & dad's refrigerator, but there's always room for Jel………wait…….Green Jelly had already gone this route, so I'll just say, there's always room for downloading Metallica songs on Napster.
In a nutshell, you have the average guy, with below average income, above average finger sandwiches, writings that will make you utterly nuts, imaginary friends' real pets, and absolutely nothing nice to say about Scientology. Almost everything Beau writes is basically pointless, mindless, tasteless, faceless, and smells like band-aids; so it keeps the playing field open for anything and makes the elderly feel right at home.
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Written by Uncle Beau
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Tuesday, 07 October 2008 |
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  With the latest Die Hard movie, whatever the name was, you'd think that Mr. Willis would be gettin' tired of being bloody for 2 hours at a time. That would almost be enough to drive you crazy. Crazy like a Burger King employee performing on a mall Santa in the alley behind McDonald's. That's having it your way.
John McLain went nuts somewhere between Die Hard parts 1 and 2, but it's part 17 I'm looking forward to. We're calling it: "Die More Harder: Dying is Almost Impossible When You're Alive" (it's a work in progress title).
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Written by Uncle Beau
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Wednesday, 20 August 2008 |
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  Recently I've noticed I have the worst memory that anyone could ever hope to have ... well, not recently. More like three ... four days ago? Who cares.
My point is, Some things are little mistakes like, burning yourself with a pan because you forgot it was hot ... as you were pulling it out of the stove while it was on; or even as much as forgetting to look both ways before you cross the street ... on a lawnmower ... a push mower.
Just the other day, I forgot that my wife told me that we had company coming over. I managed to be home at the right time.
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Written by Uncle Beau
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Thursday, 07 August 2008 |
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 Going to a family reunion when you're inducted into a whole new tree can be the most dangerously arousing thing for your mind. Here's what I mean: How many hicks does it take to keep a door closed?
Apparently it takes the whole family.
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Written by Uncle Beau
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
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 As this is my first post on Scrivel.com, I've been trying like a midget at the Olympics to come up with something that matches my kind of humor, but to no avail just yet; so I'm going to talk about something that we all hate and no one can figure out, but everyone pretends to understand.
Imagine you're a teenager (some of you a**holes probably still are) and you want to take up driving, you know, as a second hobby to being a douche and wearing those God-awful plaid pants. First of all you need a car.
But wait! Don't you need insurance to drive a car?
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