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  Living in the South, I have grown accustomed to the quirky way that many people speak.
For example, I have a good friend who tells me that people are “crookeder than a dog’s hind leg”. Once, when someone was trying to give me directions they included detailed renditions of everything that had happened on every street mentioned, ever (once Beulah Ramsey threw a frying pan at her husband down on Coppage road, but they never did call the police! For reals!), but absolutely no street names.
Oh and also, at one point I was advised that I would see a dog lying in the road and I should turn left when I saw that dog. I asked what to do if the dog wasn’t there and was told, “You still need to turn left”. So I get it. I know that people say things a bit differently here. I'm guilty of it myself, from time to time.
I have noticed, however, the alarming number of people from all over this country who say absolutely insane things on a regular basis. Even more alarming are the people who hear them say these things and not only do absolutely nothing to correct this horror, in fact, do not even realize that certain phrases are being used incorrectly.
I was talking with a co-worker recently and she said, “And then I told him for all intensive purposes, that house is as good as ours.”
Pardon me? Intensive purposes?
I said, “Well, yes, I suppose for all INTENTS AND PURPOSES, you can consider the house yours. Since you put down an offer and the owner accepted it.”
 She nodded. “Right. And for all intensive purposes we are going to have to sell our other house.”
I believe there must have been something crazy in my ear. Because she said it AGAIN.
Okay and really? How can your purposes be intensive? Are some purposes more intensive than others? I don’t even know what that means.
Also, I was at a meeting recently and the individual speaking was trying to make everyone aware that we could request certain times to hold other meetings. She declared to the room, “Now, if you want a pacific time, just let me know.”
We live in Tennessee y'all. For real.
I debated raising my hand and saying, “If anyone else here wants a pacific time? We all have to move to Oregon. If we want a SPECIFIC time, perhaps we can call you.”
But I didn’t. Because I’m a Girl Scout and we have to be nice and crap.
The best, or maybe worst, came from a friend who declared, “With God as my witless, I did not know that!”
Yeah. About that? God would probably not appreciate being called witless. Also, I have doubts that he was around to be your witness. He’s pretty busy from what I hear and probably not very interested in you talking about American Idol and stickers and David Cassidy and whatever else it was you were rambling about.
It doesn’t really matter. Not really. We’re all just going to fade into Bolivian* anyway.
*Thanks Mike Tyson! |
That Chick
