The Mick
| People who bother me on the bus |
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| Written by The Mick | |
| Thursday, 20 March 2008 | |
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1. The vagabond smelling of pee. This one really needs no explanation. Pee smells bad. I don’t enjoy smelling bad smells. Hence, I don’t like it when I am forced to share space with the smell of pee. Maybe they don’t know they smell like pee. Maybe they like it. I don’t know and I don’t care. It bothers me. 2. The guy who faces the wrong way while standing on the bus.The busses in Philadelphia move forward, as I understand they do in most places. It is my assertion that most people, normal people, like to face the direction in which they are moving. Hence, most people on the bus face the front of the bus. Such is not the case with Bothersome Bus Rider Number 2. He likes to be different and faces the back of the bus. Which means he likes to face all the normal people including me. Why does this bother me? Because usually when you have to stand on the bus it is because there is very little room. Which means you must stand three inches from the weirdo as he stares at you. Which means you have to try to find somewhere else to look. Which is hard. The ceilings of busses are distressingly boring.
3. People who refuse to walk half a block. The bus is often late. I have a theory that the main reason why is because there are a lot of seemingly healthy people who are far too lazy to walk half a block. Someone rings the bell and the bus stops to let them off. As soon as the bus starts moving again some lazy bastard rings the bell again. The driver doesn’t even have to hit the gas. If the lazy bastards were to walk from the back of the bus to the front, we wouldn’t even need to make their stop. They would be there already.
4. People with giant bags and no awareness of their surroundings. If I had a dollar for every time I have been knocked in the head by some moron’s book bag because it sticks two feet off his back and he has no idea, I would buy a car and just complain about my own bothersome habits. College students will often walk onto the bus hitting everyone they pass in the head with their bag as they turn back and forth looking for a seat. These are often the same assholes who insist on facing the wrong way.
We should all be used to cell phones by now, don’t you think? I think so. But to some, cell phones seem to be a revolutionary new technology and they want everyone to know they are right on the cutting edge. To demonstrate their superior ability to understand this new and novel device they like to talk to their friends on speakerphone while holding the phone near their face. A few more inches and they could put it to their ear like a normal person, but then who would be impressed with both their phone and their command of conversational artistry? I know my morning is not complete until I know what Jo-Jo did last night, girl!
6. People who like to talk. A lot. To strangers. For no reason. With nothing to say. I am a friendly person. I was raised in the South and believe greatly in manners and a certain amount of polite hospitality. However, I also seem to attract the craziest, most talkative f*ckers on the bus who, though complete strangers to me, seem to want nothing more than to regale me with their plans for the day or their bittersweet memories of the last time it was raining or what they had for breakfast or what Jo-Jo did last night. It doesn’t bother them at all that I never say a word in response. Interpreting subtle hints is not counted among their skill sets.
7. Vengeful/Homicidal Bus Drivers These are few and far between, but ride with one and you will remember them forever. There are some drivers who consider their job to be more about intimidation and less about transportation. They will never pass a pedestrian, car, house, curb, or any other obstacle in feet when inches will do. There are no signs telling you to keep your arms inside the bus, but everyone does. There is a reason for this. If in Philadelphia you happen upon a smear of blood about 8 feet up on a wall, know that it is likely that Betty of the Number 40 bus has forgotten her meds again.
Watching people eat can be really gross. Especially strangers. Especially with finger-foods or foods that were never intended to be finger-foods but can be with a little ingenuity and a severe lack of social graces. When I think of all the germs on the bus, the microcosm that likely gives the rain forest a run for its money in matters of diversity of species, the sheer enormity of all the funk, for lack of better word, that has collected on the never-cleaned surfaces; I am amazed that people have the balls to eat on the bus. And by amazed, I mean revolted.
9. The Insane Another rarity, but worthy of mention are the insane. I once rode twenty blocks listening to a woman scream bloody murder every time the bus turned, stopped, or started again from a stop. Once the bus was underway she was calm as a Hindu cow, but it was only a matter of seconds and physics before she was screaming again. The strange thing; no one seemed to notice. She was probably the driver for the next shift.
10. The Complaining Tourists Can we pass a law that bans the use of fanny-packs? Can we float a directive suggesting politely that cell phones should not be worn Batman style on an overloaded “utility belt”? Can we make a rule that when visiting another city and surrounded by its inhabitants you not loudly explain to your fellow tourists how rude everyone is; how dirty the city is; how much better your home is? Can you refrain from telling your wife to hold tightly to her purse as “a lot of these people are criminals”? Is that too much to ask? Please, enjoy the city while you are here, go see the bell with the crack in it, take a picture of the homeless, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. By the way, you can get a better view from the bus if you stick your head out the window. Now hit it, Betty.
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People who bother me on the bus. 
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