That Chick
| SWF seeks SWM without pants on fire. |
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| Written by That Chick | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, 30 March 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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No, really. I am thankful for having such a lovely husband, for many reasons. He’s really nice, he’s funny, and he has really pretty teeth that he brushes often. He dresses really nicely and he smells good and, okay, honestly? He gives me a lot of blog fodder. But most of all, I’m glad I am married to him because that means I don’t have to date anymore. Because dating? Both sucks and blows. After being unceremoniously dumped by my first husband while pregnant with twins, I pretty much decided that I was going to swear off men. But, I don’t like women in that way and it got really boring just hanging with infants all the time. Have you ever tried to play chess with infants? I would not recommend it. They just drool all over the board and look at you blankly and when you lose? It’s really, really embarrassing. So back in 1999, I did something I swore I would never do. I took out an online personal ad. I then found out then how many filthy liars there are on the internet. Now me? I was honest in my ad. I said something like, “I’m overweight, I’m unattractive, I’m poor, and I’ve got two kids. If you want a supermodel, don’t email me.” See, because all of that? Totally true. I don’t appreciate false advertising. Shockingly? The majority of the men who contacted me wanted someone who was a supermodel. This leads me to believe that either most men can’t read or else they just don’t really care and think that anyone who has a personal ad is pretty desperate and will probably sleep with them. I think both of those are probably wrong, but I can’t really be sure.
If you were thirty-five and not only a virgin but had never had an actual date with anyone, ever, and you lived in North Carolina at this time, you and I probably went on a date. Your first date ever! For some reason, every extremely lonely, horny guy who “just needed someone to love” contacted me during that time frame. I’m like that girl that everyone comes out of the closet to. Except it wasn’t about their orientation. It was just they had been literally hiding in a closet. Probably from their moms. That they, you know, lived with. I know there is a certain level of fudging about your appearance that goes on online. We all pose about 4 billion times before we get that one shot that we deem acceptable to put out as “what we look like”. However, for some reason? I kept meeting guys who put their high school senior yearbook pictures online as their representative photograph. These guys were like thirty. And bald. And senior year? Was about fifty pounds ago. I understand wanting to put your best foot forward, really I do. But when you stick someone else’s leg entirely out there? Well, you suck. Truth in advertising people. Just be honest. If you’re fat, you’re fat. If you’re poor, you’re poor. If you have illegitimate children, bring ‘em out from underneath the porch! Just tell the truth. Because for real. Don't you ever watch Jerry Springer? There are people who have fetishes for everything. Someone out there wants somebody just like you. Even if you have hugely stinky farts, you have to shave your back weekly, you have a moustache that rivals Burt Reynolds, and thirteen kids call you mom.
           
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I am a happily married woman. 
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