I have a friend that smells.  He smells bad.  Real bad.  We all have had one of these friends at some time in our lives.  One of those friends that really stinks.  They're our Stinky Friend.

My Stinky Friend doesn't shower.  I don't know why.  Maybe he's afraid of water.  Maybe it's afraid of him. 

My Stinky Friend also has bad breath.  It could be halitosis but I think it's just really bad breath.  Like he eats cow patties every chance he gets.  Then maybe he rubs the patties over his naked body.

Or maybe he swims in stagnant pools of hog feces.  Then gargles.  That would explain a lot.

It makes sense though, if you're not going to shower, why brush your teeth?  Nobody will get close enough to know the difference and if they do, who cares?  They're so overwhelmed by the stench that their olfactory glands are paralyzed and can't tell your breath is bad too.

Here's the kicker.  He's been told he stinks.  Numerous times.  I wasn't there for any of them but other friends of mine have told me there have been interventions.  Rude ones where other guys have gotten in his face and said, "Dude, you fucking stink."

The interventions didn't work.  He still stinks.

And he smokes, which doesn't help his breath any.

If he decided to buy Tic Tacs to cure his bad breath, I'd sink everything I had into their stock.

Stinky smoke breath.  Stale, stagnant, putrid, odiferous smelling-like-ass breath.

He's got a girlfriend.  She kisses him.  They play tonsil hockey in that cesspool.  I don't know how.  I'm getting the heaves thinking about it.

My stomach's really roiling now.  I can't get within two feet of his stench without gagging and she swaps saliva with him.  Willingly.  Can you imagine what bacteria is living in his mouth?  It's like a Listerine commercial.  Without the Listerine.

I've wondered if I should sit my stinky friend down and try to have a serious discussion about his personal hygiene.  I've been assured that this has been done.  Seriously done.  Without joking around with him so he'd know this was a serious issue.

Stinky Friend works in a laundry.  A big industrial laundry where they clean restaurant and hospital linens.  Note the irony here?

He got fired a few weeks ago.  For stinking.  That was the official reason.  One of his co-workers told me.  Stinky friend said he was laid off.  I don't think his boss had the heart or the gumption to tell him he stank.  Or if he did, Stinky Friend is too embarrassed to admit it.

Either way, he still stinks.

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bex - the moment of truth IP:67.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-04-03 12:38:08 I hate that very moment when you're speaking with someone when suddenly it hits you! THEY are the funky stench you smell! This whole time you were talking to them you thought their dog had farted or something, but NO. It's them. Simultaneously you begin breathing through your mouth while slowly stepping backwards, looking for your escape. Reply 0   0

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