Suzy Soro
| When Cheerleaders Lose, We All Win. |
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| Written by Suzy Soro | |
| Tuesday, 01 April 2008 | |
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Television Commentator: They have so much energy! They're in high school. And have to perform for a staggering TWO minutes. Get a group of 40 year-old housewives up there and make them do that pyramid formation. Right after they turn you into a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, they'll have plenty of energy left over to club you to death. Television Commentator: The bow and arrow is difficult to execute while standing on someone's shoulders. As you can see they lift their left leg parallel to their body and then stick their left arm out at a 45 degree angle across that raised leg so it looks like a bow and arrow. Because why, this is the archery competition at the Olympics? Maybe those girls saw the logo from Target a mile away and were aiming at that. Or maybe they're all filthy little whores who want to steal guys away from their girlfriends by showing off their extreme limberabilitynessosity outside of their night jobs as porn stars. Man, it takes a long time for bitterness to go away, doesn't it?  The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. The day I did it, I was with some USO chaperones and a reporter from the Washington Post. Sure enough, those flyboys dropped that Blackhawk straight down the mountain. The gear box, made out of cannon balls and steel girders from the Empire State Building, was airborne and flying around the cabin, trying to kill us all. The Washington Post reporter was puking in the back of the helicopter. When we finally landed at our first checkpoint, I took the pilot aside. "If you do that one more time there are parts of your body that I will systemically remove with a rusty saw, parts that you use EVERY DAY ESPECIALLY DURING SEX." "Yo Suzy," Mr. Flyboy replied, "You should be proud of yourself for not throwing up. We had the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders in here and they all puked their guts out." "Really? Cheerleaders, huh? Well everyone knows what losers they are."
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I love watching cheerleader competitions on ESPN. Probably because I never made the squad during high school, unless you call 'cleaning up under the grandstands after the game' part of the squad. I always felt like a loser year after year after year when I got cut during the audition process. But this is not about my bitterness, hateful gym teachers and my subsequent psychotherapy. | < Prev |
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