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Emma K
As a youngster, Emma K found happiness in the bottom of a glass, but alas, that gave her hangovers. Later she found happiness in the middle of a jam donut, but that made her fat. Now finds happiness in writing sarcastic witticisms, and the upside is that there are no side-effects. Emma K's website
A Dog in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush PDF Print E-mail
Written by Emma K   
Wednesday, 02 April 2008

ImageImageMy friend Daisy sleeps with her husband Darren and a rather smelly Beagle called Spot. And since her husband either can't or won't get it up, I have long told her that she might get more sex if she kicked Spot out of bed. But after what happened last night, I'm beginning to wonder whether maybe that advice was all wrong.  

Their sex life has been as limp as a fortnight old celery stick for about five years now, ever since they started trying for a second child. For a while there Darren was on Viagra but he used to take it with a bottle of wine and usually fell asleep in a drunken stupor - sporting wood. In the end he was just wasting Viagra because he was always too comatose to perform.

So basically, their sex life was as dead as Britney's singing career, until this morning, when Daisy comes bounding round to my house, smiling from ear to ear. "Oh, I'm in such a good mood," she said. "Because Darren and I finally did it!"

"Great," I said. "I'm so pleased for you."

"I mean, sure, it was odd, the way it happened, but the main thing is that it happened, right?"

"Right. What did happen?"

"Well, I was fast asleep and he woke me up with his tongue up my arse!"

"Really?"

Beagle.
So, you doing anything Saturday night?
"Well, of course, I was tired, but what could I do, I was hardly going to waste the opportunity now was I? So I just lay back and let him pleasure me."

Somehow the story wasn't adding up. I kept adding up two and two and getting six.

"Tell me, is it pitch black in your bedroom?"

"Yeah, it's pretty dark, why?"

"Well, since Darren doesn't usually ravage you in the middle of the night, I was just wondering if maybe the tongue belonged to someone else?"

"Like who?"

"Well, was Spot lying beside you, drooling, farting and snoring as usual?"

"I don't know. Come to think of it, I don't think he was. Why?"

"Well, let me put it this way, was Darren's tongue a little rougher than usual?"

 





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