I smell like a goddamn fruit basket.

Let me explain.

I was taking a shower the other night, as I'm sometimes wont to do, when I realized that it was my monthly duty to use some type of soap product.

(Usually, I just wash my hair, and then let the soap clean me off via gravitational pull as it drains down my body towards the sperm-clogged drain (hey...first things first))

I looked down at the soap dish in the shower (after five minutes of trying to remember where it was), and saw a simple, sad, soap-Chiclet sitting there.

"This won't do," I thought. "There's barely enough there my sphincter."

After stuffing the soap-chip up my anus, I began rummaging through the endless bottles of crap in the shower looking for some type of soap-substitute.

Body wash.

Shower gel.

Lube.

Sorry...the lube is for something else.

I now had approximately six bottles of crap to choose from in which to suds myself up.

Here's where sharing a bathroom with the wife rears an ugly reality:

WOMEN LIKE TO SMELL LIKE FRUIT.

I'm not sure why this is, but the bottles of sh*t I had to choose from included the following scents:

Guava Cherry Mango anyone?

2) Lavender (I actually think this is a flower..but, I'm not technically gay, so I'm not sure)

3) Green Apple

4) Icy Pineapple

I have no idea what a f*cking icy pineapple is.  I'm sure that where pineapples actually grow, there's no ice and, as such, the inventor of "Icy Pineapple" is just making this sh*t up.

All I know is that, personally, I don't want to smell like any Icy-Pineapple-Apple-Lavender-Coconut jackass when I go play poker with the guys.

In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want to smell like this...

I mean, don't you attract BIRDS?!?

Anyway...

I made my decision that day, based on the fact that I didn't want to smell like potpourri...

...and decided to go with the Chiclet.

No Icy Pineapple for this guy.  No sir.

Today, I smell like sphincter.

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