"She looks like my ass."

The above little gem was spoken to my wife as we walked (I'm sorry..as SHE DRAGGED ME) through a local department store.

I hate shopping.

I would rather watch a lesbian porn movie starring Rosie O'Donnell and Janet Reno than go shopping.

Unless it's shopping for a TV...

...then you can replace Rosie and Janet with, say, Carmen Electra and Scarlett Johansson.

Great. 

Not only have I gone way off topic...

...but I've also got wood.

I'll be right back.

(14 seconds later): 

Anyway...

As she was yanking me through the aisles, I looked up at the top of a display and saw the horror of all horrors:

CELINE DION.

(insert "Psycho" shower music here) 

Not actual poster, but could've been.

...windblown...

...and trying to look sexy.

Blech. 

Celine Dion trying to look sexy is akin to George W. Bush trying to look smart.

Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Me: "Ugh."

Wife: "What?"

Me: "Celine Dion."

Wife: "What about her?"

Me: "She looks like my ass."

(women passerby scorn...other male shop-slaves giggle)

Wife: "You WISH your ass was that talented."

*pause*

Me: "Actually, I think my ass can also hold a pretty long note.  Maybe they were separated at birth."

Maybe.

I hope so.

She can forward me some money to help pay for all these f*cking SHOES we bought. 

I hate shopping.

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