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  “So um, no offense, but…”
Don't you just love those words? I know I do!
In fact, I use them all the time, and I really encourage everyone to use them too. Those five little words can do so much to lessen the negative impact we humans are having on the world around us and they can also greatly reduce the ‘offensive footprint’ we leave as we go through life.
Honestly, just using them at the beginning of a sentence is practically a guarantee to keep people from getting offended by what you say, and that alone could change the disastrous course that humanity is on and create a better world for future generations to come.
Hey, don't give me that look, I'm serious!
Didn’t you know that there is a worldwide epidemic of offensiveness quietly infecting every single human being on the planet?
It’s true!
Please don’t tell me that you’ve been too busy watching American Idol and reruns of Hogan’s Heroes to have noticed it!
Hey, if you don’t believe me, just take a look at this chart:
You'll notice that the frequency of the word "offends" has skyrocketed in the last few years, and that is just the tip of the iceberg!!
Believe me, you do NOT want to see the charts I have on the other variations of the word ‘offends’, nor do you want to know that it isn’t just a phenomenon that is happening in developed countries who are run by communists, either.
It is like the frigging Black Plague and it knows no socio-economic or linguistic boundaries.
I know, it IS frightening, isn’t it?
That’s right, and you really should be worried that we are rapidly reaching maximum density of offensiveness on a global scale and that you may be unknowingly contributing to it by not using those five little words up there.
Heck, even the experts like myself can't predict what will happen in the future if we don't reign in our offensive output now, but I can only assure you that it won’t be pretty!! There may be food shortages, disturbances in the ionosphere and infertility problems, just to name a few possible repercussions.
There may even be loss of costal wetland habitats!!
OK, well, it probably won’t be as bad as all that, but I can almost guarantee that there will, at the very least, be a whole lot hell of a lot more pissed off people out there who walk funny because they are suddenly sporting those large offending sticks up their asses, and between you and me, I don‘t think I want to live in a world with any more of those types!!
Ugh.
I mean, there are plenty of them out there already, right?!
Right.
Of course, the main stream media doesn't want to talk about any of this, they want it to happen so that they have more news to report!
Don’t let them fool you.
They have been trying for years to distract us with that whole ‘ozone hole’ and now that ‘global warming’ thing, but lucky for you, there are ’offensiveness experts’ like myself out here who see through their lies.
Yep, we are out here battling on the front lines each and every day, trying our best to educate the masses about this looming crisis that is threatening to take over and destroy us all.
We are happy to do it, too.
OK, so I’m the only ‘offensiveness expert’ that I’m aware of, but still, I work pretty damn hard at it and the best advice that I can offer is to always remember to use those five magic little words before you say something offensive:
“So um, no offense, but…”
You never know, it might save the world, or at least prevent someone from being pissed off and walking funny. I mean, between you and me, those offending ass-sticks must be really uncomfortable!! |
Chelle B
