A single friend recently lamented to me that all the girls he meets want to be “just friends” and think of him “as a brother”. Further adding to the injustice, most of them told him the dreaded, “It’s not you. It’s me.”

Really? It’s him.

And honestly? When someone tells you, “It’s not you, it’s me”? It’s pretty much always you.

I make no secret of the fact that I am in therapy, nor do I make a secret of the fact that I need therapy. A lot of it. So much that when I met my therapist for the first time, he said, “Can you come in twice a week instead of once?” Because, I’m that special kind of advanced messed up that you read about in books. So, possibly, if I ever said to you, “It’s not you, it’s me?” That could actually be true. Because it could be me. If it’s anyone other than me saying it to you, well, it’s you.

To help my friend and countless other people who clearly need my help and maybe don’t even know it, I have devised a short list of reasons that I like to call, “Reasons that chick said that to you”

1)      You live with your mom. You’re forty.

2)      You told her that you loved her on the first date. Chicks don’t dig that despite what Disney movies have taught you for years.

3)      You made inappropriate references to her breasts on the first date. FYI, ladies generally do not appreciate having their breasts referred to as honkers, hooters, knockers, or titties.

4)      You made inappropriate references to the waitresses’ breasts at the restaurant.

5)      You are not Fabio or Brad Pitt or Matt Damon or whoever the lady you are with finds attractive. Thus, you should not expect her to be whatever hot chick you fantasize about. Nobody in real life really looks like that, especially not at Applebee’s on a Tuesday evening.

6)      The representative photograph your date was given was from when you were eighteen. You’re forty.

7)      You start the majority of your sentences with, “When I was in college”. Dude. College was like, twenty years ago. You’ve done nothing noteworthy since then?

8)      Your date is a vegetarian. You ordered a steak and advised the waitress that they could just cut the horns off and slap it up on the table for you.

9)      Your date has children. On the first date, you told her you love children and would gladly adopt hers and make more with her, if she’d like. That’s why she asked you to drop her off not at home, but at the police station. She was getting a restraining order against you.

10)   You just can’t stop talking about your ex-wife. Or your ex-girlfriend. Or that girl you dated in college. Or your next door neighbor that you had a crush on but she would never really talk to you because she thought, “Eww! Ick!” because she totally saw you looking in her windows that one time. Most women expect that you’ve been around the block a few times, but seriously. Spare them the exact addresses, okay?

If you are guilty of the above offenses? Believe me. It’s you. It doesn't matter what that chick says.

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J IP:67.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-05-19 18:17:23 Hahaha that is hilarious!! I love it. You crack me up. You know what I always hated? The guys who looked at you weird if all you did was give them a goodnight kiss. What? Just because I let you buy me dinner does not mean you are getting in my panties. Reply 0   0

Darcie - add this one to the list!! IP:71.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-05-19 20:45:36 At any point during the date you referanced your "member" and/or skills in the bedroom. Bad and creepy on the first date. Reply 1   0

TLG IP:89.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-05-20 05:11:58 So true. lol Reply 0   0

Kimberly - Gah! IP:70.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-05-20 11:30:11 If you give me his email address I'll forward this to him anonymously, 'kay? Oi! Reply 0   0

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