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- F. Lawrence Caslin
Gini Koch
Gini still wants to rock and roll all night and party every day. What a pity stupid things like a day job, a husband, and a kid get in the way of all that free spirit stuff.
True Lines
Written by Gini Koch
Thursday, 22 May 2008
I was a wild party girl and I dated a LOT before I got married. My husband is nice, intelligent, witty, handsome and supportive. He’s also not a jerk off, moron, loser, weirdo. So, you know, he stood out from a lot of the guys I dated.
What finally convinced me to choose my husband over all the other qualified applicants? (WARNING: All lines and incidents are true. The names have been changed because I’ve blocked them out.)
Kevin gazed at me lovingly. “What?” I asked. “Oh,” he replied, “I’m just picturing you barefoot and pregnant.” I pictured the door and how fast I could get through it.
Hey Brian, get a freaking clue.
Moses took me home to meet his mother on the second date. He’d proposed on the first date. Why I said yes to the second date I don’t recall. Oh, wait, yes I do. He drove a new Mercedes. Anyway, I met Momma Moses, she looked me straight in the eye, and said, “It’s your duty and responsibility to marry my son and save him from himself.” I shared that it wasn’t my problem she’d raised a drug-snorting, kinky, alcoholic with massive paranoid delusions. Somehow, that response didn’t do the trick, and Moses and Momma kept ON telling me I needed to save him. I called a guy with an old GTO and had HIM save ME.
I told Brian I was going out of town and that I’d call him when I got back. Two years later, out of the blue, he called me. “Hey, you never called. What’s been going on?” I dumped you, didn’t you get the cosmic memo?
“You gonna finish that? I mean, you don’t NEED dessert.” This from Jeff who was a good 100 pounds overweight and already balding at 22. Decided I didn’t need him. Called the guy with the GTO and met him for ice cream.
“Go ahead, buy both outfits!” Chris said grandly. When the salesgirls made much of my date’s suggestion that I splurge, I had to point out that HE wasn’t buying -- he was spending MY money for me. They went to unimpressed fast. I was already there.
While out with Greg at the mall, he looked up at one of the store signs with a beatific expression and, in tones of true reverence, said, “When I have a child, I’m going to dress him ONLY from ‘Baby Gap’!” I explained we were incompatible -- Target was good enough for me. The look of horror on his face was priceless.
“I can fix your car,” Mike said. “ I know EVERYTHING about cars, any car, every car. Pop the hood.” I popped. “There’s nothing here!” “Right,” I said. “Because it’s a Volkswagen and the engine’s in the rear.” Called the guy with the GTO, he came, got me, and helped tow my car to the shop.
Jack was big on the jealousy -- I should have been going out with just him, even though my rule at the time was that I wasn’t dating exclusively and he knew it when he signed on to the program. He was normally a lot of fun, but we always went out on very cheap dates. One week he took me out something like five times. I mentioned that if he’d added up all the money, we could have gone out once to a nicer place. His response was, “Oh, I could take you out somewhere nice every time. But, you eat out at nice places with all your other boyfriends. I’m the guy you get to hang out and have fun with. That’s why you’ll realize you should be only dating me.” Words almost failed me.
Met an ‘older man’ -- like a LOT older. He proudly announced he worked in the movie business. I picked him up from work for our date. Turned out he was a ticket-taker at a movie theater. Not in management, mind you. At age 40 he was doing the job normally reserved for high school students. Still gave him a shot after this revelation. He spent our entire date berating me for making more money than he did, tried to force me to pay for dinner, and then hit me up for a loan. Fortunately, I’d driven, so I didn’t have to call the guy with the GTO this time. I did stop by his house and hang out, though.
Tom, who looked a lot like Robert Redford, decided to throw a jealousy fit while we were out at dinner. Because I’d laughed at his best friend’s joke. The best friend that Tom had INSISTED on bringing WITH us on our date. I hope they’re still very happy together.
After Bill droned on and on and on and ON about his business and career goals during dinner, he finally paused, and I swear to God, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “But enough about me. What do YOU think of everything I’ve just told you?” I said I thought I had to go to the bathroom. I came back to the table, said I was sick and my friend was picking me up. Went to a more pleasant dinner with the guy with the GTO.
“You want to go out again?” John asked. I shared I didn’t. “Oh. Well, do you think your cousin might want to go out with me, then?” I hung up.
“I can’t see you any more,” Dan said. “I like you too much.” I dunno, maybe I was supposed to beg him to reconsider not say, “Okey dokey,” and hang up.
“I think living in a commune would be a wonderful experience,” Richard shared. I shared the 1960’s were WELL past and so was our relationship.
“Why don’t you want to go out with me any more?” Craig asked. “Because I can’t stand you.” “Well, that’s not a good reason.”
The guy with the GTO said, “I was just thinking.” “About what?” “Oh, about how much I love you. Want to get married?” I said yes. I’m a slow learner but I CAN be taught.
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Gini Koch
I was a wild party girl and I dated a LOT before I got married. My husband is nice, intelligent, witty, handsome and supportive. He’s also not a jerk off, moron, loser, weirdo. So, you know, he stood out from a lot of the guys I dated.
Met an ‘older man’ -- like a LOT older. He proudly announced he worked in the movie business. I picked him up from work for our date. Turned out he was a ticket-taker at a movie theater. Not in management, mind you. At age 40 he was doing the job normally reserved for high school students. Still gave him a shot after this revelation. He spent our entire date berating me for making more money than he did, tried to force me to pay for dinner, and then hit me up for a loan. Fortunately, I’d driven, so I didn’t have to call the guy with the GTO this time. I did stop by his house and hang out, though.
