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  I don’t really know how it happened, but I can finally say that we’ve made it. We’ve moved on up to the East Side and a de-luxe apartment in the sky. We’ve arrived, baby!
Not that we’re livin’ large. We make a decent family income, live in a modest house, have nice cars, get to do things, but no one would look at us and say we were rich, let alone wealthy. Let alone a part of the Wealthy Elite. And yet, apparently, we are.
Why do I say this? Well, I don’t. Exclusive Resorts says so. I have it in writing. Really expensive, four-color brochure on the good paper stock and the odd-sized, extra-postage envelopes writing. These mailings are addressed to my husband, I suppose under the Rich Person viewpoint that no wife could out-earn her husband. Either that, or his salary alone is enough to get us ‘in’. Which, seeing as I look at what comes home from it each week, I cannot believe that can be the case. The letter starts out innocuously enough. “Over the years, you have probably experienced the common frustrations of personally arranging vacations for you and your family.” Oh, you know it. Well, not my husband. He arranges nothing. I do it. And yeah, it’s frustrating. Priceline’s so ‘make your decision now’ and the airlines never seem to have the cheap flights when I want them, and Disneyland’s specials are never at a time of year we can go … all that jazz. So, do go on. They did. “You may have also dealt with the time, trouble and expense associated with ownership of a second home.” Um, no. Not personally. Not yet, anyway. Some of our friends have. Most of their complaints center around the fact they can’t get up to their ‘second homes’, aka, their summer cabins, as often as they’d like, but okay. Carry on. They blather on for a bit, and then explain who they are, and why they’re talking to us. “Exclusive Resorts was founded to give people like you a unique kind of luxury vacation experience: unparalleled access to the world’s largest collection of private multi-million dollar vacation residences in the most desirable vacation destinations. So, rather than staying at another hotel, you can enjoy the size and privacy of a luxury home with the services, amenities and convenience of a resort …”  Clooney's measely villa. Could be mine if I wanted it. “And the best part is, this is all now available to you for far less than the down payment on a single second home.” Come again? This is the Super-Wealthy Timeshare? Are they serious? They are. And there’s more, much more. All boiling down to the fact that, for a limited time, there is a special deal on this offer. If we act fast, we can get an Affiliate Membership. Sure it limits our number of days to 15 “perfect vacation days”, but really, who gets more time than that a year anyway? And the cost for this? Well, first, there is the ONE-TIME Membership Fee of…wait for it…$185,000. Yes, you’re reading that right. Six figures for the reduced fee. And, according to these people, that’s less than the cost of a second home's downpayment! Good lord, we spent less on our entire first and only home! But, wait! 80% of that’s refundable upon resignation. So, you know, it’s all good. They get to have your money earning interest in their banks, but, when you quit, you get $148,000 of it back. Without interest, I’m sure. In our case, I guess we’d have to give them our home, our cars, and our pets to cover it. Hey, our dogs are purebreds, so the Resort people might be willing. But wait, there’s more. Annul dues are $9,500. And, don’t forget, that $185,000 membership fee is the cheap one. And, you know, the homes are indeed lovely, and you get your own paid staff or something. And they plan your itinerary and a separate itinerary for your kids. I mean, why take a family vacation and do things as a family? That’s so middle-class. And one of the homes is some super yacht. And they add new homes all the time. So, it’s probably really quite the deal. For Bill Gates and Oprah. For us? Um, not so much. Though their letters and brochures do give us hours of free entertainment. As does the handsome DVD with fine production values. I mean, you should see some of these places. But, not up close, because, God help you if you broke something. There’s nothing in these homes -- no doodad, no small appliance, no linen, no light bulb -- that’s worth less than $1,000, used. They keep on sending these “invitations” to us. And I keep on saving them. Not only for the free hilarity they provide us, but as proof. Proof that we’re, somehow, some way, on ‘The List’. That’s right. We’re on the list of people too stupid or strapped for time to be able to plan a dream vacation or simple getaway on their own for $9,500 or less per year. The list of those who apparently have so much excess wealth that dropping $185,000 for a limited membership fee is nothing. Those who need someone else to plan and entertain their children and themselves while they’re at an exotic locale in a house that makes Buckingham Palace look small. Oh. My. God. It just dawned on me -- we’re on the same list as Paris Hilton. Stop the mailings, I want to get off! |
Gini Koch
