Chelle B
| Move Over, Snowbirds!! |
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| Written by Chelle B | |
| Friday, 30 May 2008 | |
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Ugh. I really hate them. Each year I gaze longingly as they pass by me in their million dollar motor coaches, only stopping through my little town long enough to rub in how good they have it while they load up on gasoline, potable water, prune juice and a couple cases of Depends. Do you think they even know how much it distresses me every time they come through here? I know that they are on their way to park their mobile mansions into the very best spots of the very finest campgrounds that money (and discount reservations made years in advance with the help of the AARP!) can buy! Do they even care how I feel?? I’m sure they don’t, and it’s so not fair!! I want to not care what the locals think!! Oh, wait, I pretty much don't care what the locals think, but still. That’s beside the point! OK, I know what you’re thinking, “Chelle B., you should not only care what the locals think but you should be happy for those old people and the fact that they have worked hard their whole lives and earned the right to such a nice retirement lifestyle!“  The King of RVs. Oh, sure, I can tour those million dollar motor coaches while Bob, the sweaty salesman who works on commission, follows me around with a wary eye, suspicious that at any moment I will hot wire one, ram the gates and never be seen again. Now why he would think that? After all, he’s the one who told me that you can’t hotwire them when I asked him about it last year!! Ugh. Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit it, I don’t want to just get a glimpse of that lifestyle, I want to be the one who is barely able to see over the wheel of my monstrous mobile mansion, “accidentally” running the younger and less fortunate into a ditch along every two lane highway that runs between Truth and Consequences, New Mexico and Jackson Hole, Wyoming! Between you and me, I think they run people off the road on purpose because they want to kill us all and eliminate future competition for prime camp ground spots. I know that would be MY motivation! Anyhoo, you're right. I do need to get over my jealousy and since I can't beat them (I'm not sure, but I think there are laws about beating old people!), I am just going to have to join them.  That one right there. Then, I am going to score myself one of those AARP discount campground memberships to go with it! Of course, I’ll need to forge a new birth certificate and social security number and prematurely age myself to convince the AARP that I’m old enough to qualify, but if I stop exercising completely and start drinking twelve pots of coffee, a gallon of whisky, and smoke four packs of cigarettes a day starting right now, that should do it, right? Right. Gosh, I can hardly wait to finally be one of them so I better hurry over to the liquor store before it closes. Maybe I better pick up a pack of Depends, too. I mean, with all that coffee and whisky, I'll probably need to start wearing them!
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No offense, but I am really jealous of old people, particularly the ones we call ‘snowbirds’ who migrate up here each year to the Greater Yellowstone area. Like clockwork they arrive here in flocks to spend their summers lounging around all day at the local RV parks, taking up all the best spots and basking in the glow of their golden years.| < Prev | Next > |
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