Gini Koch
| Kiki, K-9 Drug Dealer |
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| Written by Gini Koch | |
| Monday, 07 July 2008 | |
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Kiki and I had a lively chat this evening. She was in Albuquerque (insert Bugs Bunny joke here) and wanted to tell me about this first leg of their trek to the wilds of Ohio. All was well on the roads. But not so well in the car. Because Kiki’s husband had foolishly put her in charge of the pets. Specifically, in charge of sedating the pets. They have an average-sized dog, Maggie, and a hamster, Pigdin. (No, I have no idea why they named their hamster Pigdin. Maybe it was better than Hammie. Or It.) Why they felt the need to sedate the hamster, I don’t know. The dog, I guess I kind of get. Many a day I wish I could sedate OUR dogs, the Dalmatian in particular. But I digress… So, Kiki, being a conscientious pet owner, didn’t bother to read the sedation instructions. Instead, she looked at the dog’s pills and said, “Wow, these are SMALL.” So she gave her dog three. Now, I don’t know what kind of drugs her dog’s normally used to, but this was, clearly, the GOOD stuff. Maggie spent the entire trip from Phoenix to Albuquerque rolling on her back, doing a really good impersonation of John Belushi. A slow motion impersonation. Maggie was also a living Dali painting at the rest stops. She sort of oozed out of the car and staggered like a drunk on a month-long bender to take a piddle. Then she stared at the piddle. Staggered around it. Rolled near, but thankfully not on, it. I imagine it looked ‘freaky’, or whatever it would look like to a dog stoned out of her canine mind. Maggie had some serious munchies, too. But it was like she couldn’t really eat. She would put her snout into the food and sort of roll her face in it. Then it was back onto her back and more time watching all the colors and the inside of the car melt and such. Maggie, however, had it better than Pigdin. The hamster drugs didn’t make Pigdin ‘mellow’. They made Pigdin MANIC. First, she stuffed her cheeks well beyond capacity with all the packing paper she could get her little claws on. And then, well fortified for the battle, she took on -- the Wheel.  going and going and going On her ‘sedatives’, however, Pigdin apparently ran the hamster wheel from Phoenix to Albuquerque without benefit of rest stops. She only left the wheel to frantically stuff MORE paper into her cheeks and then run right back on and start it all up again. Kiki was afraid to put her hand into the cage, lest Pigdin turn cannibal and devour her fingers like a furry piranha. So there’s Kiki in the car, towing a small trailer, while her husband is up ahead with the kids in the big truck. Just Kiki and Maggie, Stoner Pooch, and Pigdin the Manic Hamster. Every so often, Maggie would make noises. We figure it was her way of saying, “Duuuuude…the colors…they’re like SO intense…,” or “Oh my god…my food bowl, it’s melting,” or “Yo, could you like…open up the kibbles and…just sorta pour them into my mouth…’cause dude, I’ve like so…got the munchies…” Pigdin didn’t make any noise the entire trip. I’m not sure if hamsters are noisy or not normally, but Pigdin was apparently so focused on breaking the Hamster World Speed and Distance Wheel Record that the only noise was the squeak of the wheel. The high-pitched, very fast squeak of the wheel. From Phoenix to Albuquerque. Which was, according to Kiki, louder than she could play the radio, since Maggie couldn’t handle the radio being too loud. It interfered with her buzz or something. I love Kiki. A lesser woman would have forced her husband to trade cars. A smarter woman would have read the instructions from the vet. A wiser woman would have given the dog an energy drink and the hamster a beer. But only a wild woman would tell me, “Tomorrow, I’m gonna see what happens when I give Maggie Pigdin’s drugs and Pigdin Maggie’s. In the appropriate dosages, of course.” Of course.
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My friend, Kiki, is moving. This makes me sad, because I liked hanging with her. But what I’m losing in proximity I’m gaining in travel-related tidbits. And other tidbits.| < Prev | Next > |
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