|
  The TV was on the other day but I wasn’t really paying attention to it. Suddenly, something made my ears prick up.
A new from of male birth control will soon be approved. What? Huh? Interesting. After having three kids, any form of birth control interests me immensely, especially if it’s the man who takes responsibility. After all, haven’t I done enough already?
Condoms just don’t cut it. They’re only 97% effective. And, let’s face it, after 3 kids that 3% risk is just too big to take. The vasectomy. Now there’s a good method. But most men quake in their boxers at the thought of anybody snipping away at their intimate parts. Wusses! Well guys, here’s a bit of good news. It seems that the Australians have come up with some sort of silicone valve that after being inserted into…well, you get it…can be controlled by a system similar to a remote car key. One click, it closes…and no more babies. With another click, it opens….and here’s daddy! Guys, you still with me? Don’t worry, you can stop covering your family jewels. This new system doesn’t require surgery and is reversible, so what more could you want? All it takes is a little jab with a hypodermic needle. Hey, where are you going? After all, we women go through pushing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a doughnut. All you'll feel is a little prick (pun most definitely intended). Squeamishness aside, just think of the possibilities.  Actual Clapper woman looking at it after she clapped.
Because everyone knows what happens when too much pressure builds up behind a dam. Hey, I’m thinking you could even kill three birds with one stone. Not one, not two. Count ‘em. Three! You already have the lights hooked up to this thing, and you've rounded up all the sperm, so why not add instant erection control? Instead of “clap on, clap off” it would be “clap up, clap down”. Talk about a bionic boner. And suspicious wives could even ask the doctor to activate the GPS option. That way they’d know just where their husband’s bird is at all times. Then again, modern technology is anything but infallible. Lots of things can go wrong. Maybe the clapping idea isn’t so hot after all. Imagine yourself at a rock concert. The crowd goes wild and everybody’s clapping….on, off, on, off. Hmmm. Bad idea. Maybe the remote control would be a better option. But even that isn’t foolproof. I can just imagine the following remark after an unfortunate “accident”: Sorry Hon, I thought it was the TV remote. Well, it’s too late to change the channel now. And imagine the mayhem that might ensue if your toddler gets his hands on the remote. No Johnny, that doesn’t turn on SpongeBob. Now put it down… slowly. Whew, close call. What if your next-door neighbour has the same code? He and his wife finally decide to start their happy little family and unwittingly start yours too. Or what if the batteries go dead? Could be an unhappy ending to that big date. Or your wife thinks it’s time to hear the patter of little feet…but you don’t. If you’re not careful, she might just free Willy behind your back. The best thing would be to make it a voice recognition thing. The doctor takes a voice recording and programs the chip to activate only at the sound of your voice. And of course there should be sort of system to warn users about which mode they’re in. Just to avoid any….um…mishaps. After all, if most guys can’t remember whether or not they've locked the car, how will they ever be sure if they've locked up their tools? You might be able to choose from “Don’t worry, be happy” for closed or “Here Comes the Rain Again” for open. Maybe you could even download different songs for different moods, kind of like the ring tones for cell phones. Or you could put your girl’s favorite song on it. Come on, what could be more romantic than having a guy “sing” to you? Even if it’s not with his mouth. |
Mother Theresa
