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Written by Suzy Soro
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Tuesday, 24 June 2008 |
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  During the first year I dated one of my boyfriends there were moments when I felt insecure. He was very handsome and looked like those old pictures of the Marlboro Man. And I did that Girl Thing where you wonder if they're as satisfied with your looks as you are with theirs.
After a while I remembered he had dated a Miss Universe and a Miss Hawaiian Tropic before he met me and I had met his ex-wife, who was extremely pretty. So then I started wondering if he was handsome enough for me. I eventually came to the realization that like water seeking its own level, attractiveness must do the same thing. Take a look at your partner; I'd guess you're both pretty evenly matched up.
I recently saw pictures of an ex with the woman he married and I nearly stroked out. This woman looked like she could be his mother. I'd heard she was in her early 50's but man, 50 is the new 65 if she's any indication. I was glad he was going to spend his life with a woman that no man would ever be tempted to steal from him. The whole time he was with me he was jealous. "What happened to all the condoms?" "Uhhhh, we used them." If he saw a man talking to me at a party he rushed to my side and wouldn't let me out of his sight. But I was wildly in love with him so it didn't bother me. Now of course I realize he just thought I could be easily stolen away. If only he knew how such a thing could never have happened. He was The One. The One who married someone else.
His new wife was overweight and had big boobs, which she covered up in matronly clothes. She had bad teeth, and when I say bad teeth, we're talking Great Britain bad teeth. Don't get me started on her shoes. Her shoes made me cry. No one should wear shoes like that unless they're living in the Ukraine. Maybe she was one of those Russian brides that you order by mail? In which case my ex has lost both his mind and his eyesight.
 This could have been her.
"Dude, you're so lucky, he married a troll."
"But...but…she's ugly."
"Yeah, isn't that great?"
This conversation went on with every woman I sent the picture to. Because what had not occurred to me was that he could have ended up with a real beauty queen and then of course I would have had to kill myself.
Many years ago, the Marlboro Man look-alike moved out of his townhouse and I helped him pack. He was working on the first floor and I tackled the second floor. I found some journals that were hidden under his clothes in a drawer and were begging me OUT LOUD to look at them. I found some pictures of him with a very unattractive woman. He had written her name on the back of them. I packed it all up but never mentioned the photos.
About six months later he started talking about this same woman. He said she had really screwed him over. He had ultimately installed recording devices on his phone to trap her into admitting to her mother that she was only after his money and she needed a 'vacation' from her life. He eventually got her out with a court order.
"Were you in love with her?"
"I was at the time."
"Was she beautiful?" Now I was DYING to hear his response because I had already seen her pictures.
"Nope."
"Why were you attracted to her then?"
"I had very low self-esteem back then. It was right after my wife divorced me and I guess that's all I thought I could get."
"How did you end up with a Miss Universe and a Miss Hawaiian Tropic?"
"A lot of therapy."
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Suzy Soro
