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  My friend Kiki is in a new house in a new state. A lake house. But, before you get envious, like I was, there are…considerations with this particular house.
In Kiki’s defense, she didn’t pick the house out. Her husband, Tom, took care of that. And, you know, he’s male and so he looked for different things. Two stories, plenty of space, bedrooms for the kids? Of course. Manly wood paneling all over? Check. Awesome location between lake and woods? Double check. Wildlife for Maggie, Stoner Pooch, to chase and the kids to at least take a gander at? Total check.
And when Kiki asked, Tom verified that, yes, there was central heat and air, how stupid did she really think he was? And indoor plumbing. So, really, what more could you want or care about? It’s big and nice and lovely and right by some famous lakes in Ohio! Just remember, Tom said once they pulled up into the driveway, that every house has some minor drawbacks. Unfortunately, it turns out that the drawbacks are a teensy-weensy bit more than ‘minor’. When it was built, seemingly during the Roosevelt Administration -- Teddy’s, not Franklin’s -- apparently the builders weren’t clear on the concept of ‘level’. Either using one, or what the idea of something being level would mean in real life and why it would be good to shoot for. Basically, Kiki’s living in the Winchester Mystery House, but without the tourist revenue. Or, since she swears there are no ghosts -- at least, not so far -- maybe it’s more like the Funhouse from the midway. You know, the kind of place always shown in cartoons and movies as being places of pure evil, the moment the sun goes down. Kiki says that all the mirrors do make her butt look big. Of course, the mirrors back here did that, too.  Tilt? What tilt? Kitchen? Check, no flat surface anywhere. It’s making cooking something of a new thrill for Kiki. She’s going to take a chef’s class in the fall -- not to really improve her cooking skills, but so she can learn all the fancy knife work that chefs do. Cutting on the tilt has been, apparently, a little challenging. But they sell Band-Aids in Ohio, so it’s okay. And she swears she still has all ten digits and the local doctor said the one cut missed a major artery, so again, no worries. The fridge and stove not being level were a big problem. Foodstuff rolling, or in some cases flying, out of the fridge or hot pots filled with boiling water splashing to the ground were creating the kind of havoc Kiki should be used to (all things considered) but isn’t. However, these were easily fixed by tearing up a phone book and stuffing parts of it under each major appliance until a semblance of level was achieved. Sadly, they used the only phone book they had, and most of it at that. So they’re able to call anyone from W-Z but if they need a home or business earlier in the alphabet, they’re out of luck. Which explains why they had to go to Walt’s Bait and Tackle to get that one cut stitched up. But Doc Walt’s a genius and he has the cheapest bait for miles around, too. Plus, he gave Maggie a special treat. Kiki thinks the smell will dissipate in another week. Maggie’s enjoying the slip and slide effect, at least Kiki thinks she is. With Maggie, sometimes it’s hard to tell. Apparently the move has been somewhat traumatic for Maggie and she’s on a ‘sedative’ twice a day. Kiki thinks she’s faking it, but at least one being in the house is having fun. I asked how Pigdin was handling the navigational issues, but they haven’t let her out of her cage yet. Pigdin’s living on a kitchen counter that tilts in a variety of directions, so she’s having ‘Titanic: The Hamster Experience’ on a regular basis. Kiki’s afraid to let Pigdin out, even in the hamster ball. She’s afraid Pigdin will start rolling and, due to how the house is laid out, end up rolling into the lake. Everyone’s getting used to sleeping sort of catty-corner on their respective beds, depending on the tilt of the floor. They’re down to only one family member rolling out of bed a night now. I suggested they tie themselves to the bedposts but Kiki thinks it’s too early to give the boys alternative lifestyle examples. Kiki’s trying to focus on the positive. The boys are getting career training. Sure, it’s for careers as carnies at the Midway, but still, some career is better than no career, right? Of course right. |
Gini Koch
