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  My friend Kiki is still adjusting to her special, beyond split-level home in the wilds of Ohio. And, in her own inimitable fashion, she’s not doing so well.
She’s managing to deal with the fact that the house has no level surface anywhere. She and the rest of the family have pretty much adjusted to it. Sure, they all walk funny for a little while after they leave the house, but Kiki thinks the physical therapy sessions the grade school forced the boys into will be good for them, no matter what. And Kiki’s getting quite fond of Doc Walt. He always has new merchandise in his Bait and Tackle shop whenever she’s there to get stitched up. He even gave the boys free fishing lessons.
So, I thought this meant all was well. But apparently, there is still a trouble area that’s causing Kiki a lot of wear and tear. The stairs. The stairs are a real problem. Because a day hasn’t gone by where Kiki hasn’t tripped going up or down.  When she told me about this, I figured the stairs were covered with tile or hardwood or butter. Or she was sneaking some of Maggie, Stoner Pooch’s ‘sedatives’. I could understand her wanting them. But Kiki insists she’s not indulging in experimentation and besides, the stairs are carpeted. And tilted. And the carpet, like the rest of the house, isn’t as level as one would like.
Of course, Tom and the boys haven’t tripped once. Neither has Maggie. Pigdin is still having enough fun sliding back and forth in her hamster cage on the crazy ‘any which way but straight’ counter that her stairs experience hasn’t been recorded as yet. They tried to let her out, but she refused to leave. Or was stuck in the Wheel due to gravity. Kiki’s not entirely sure. But anyway, Pigdin’s out of the stairs debate, at least for the moment. However, while everyone else has been unmolested, the stairs have already tried to kill Kiki many more times than once. As near as she can tell, the carpet on the top two stairs can move at will. Tom and the boys go downstairs, Kiki’s right behind them, and bam! The carpet moves and tosses her down. Kiki goes first and bam! Down she goes. Tom and the boys trot or walk down to check on her, no issues. It’s getting to the point where Kiki could ski downstairs more safely than walk. Kiki goes up and bam! There she is, nose on the stairs, getting a good look at how old the carpet in this house really is. Tom and the boys walk up behind and around her, no issues. Tom’s starting to insist that Kiki’s doing this on purpose, just to exaggerate how tilted this house really is, though she swears she isn’t. So, being Kiki, she’s come up with a plan. Also being Kiki, I’m not so sure it’s a good plan. But, better some kind of plan than no plan at all, right? They sell these rubber rafts at Walt’s, supposedly sturdy enough to take on a class 3 rapids. Kiki got the two-person model complete with ‘Mae Wests’ and a sturdy tie-off rope perfect for slipping through a dog collar. She also picked up more of Doc Walt’s special doggie treats that Maggie loves so much. Kiki says the stink is worth it to get Maggie to do anything she wants immediately and with a lot of enthusiasm. In the mornings, she figures she’ll fire up the raft and sort of surf downstairs -- one Mae West on her body and one on her head. In the evening, she’ll use Maggie-power to drag her and the raft upstairs. And if the worst happens and she ends up sliding down the stairs, through the front door which is strategically placed pretty much at the bottom of the stairway, and into the lake, she’ll be all set. The house tilting like mad all over the place has her all trained for rough weather and swells and such. Plus Maggie loves the water. And, should the authorities question her, Kiki can always claim she just wanted to take a cooling dip in the lake. So I’m sure it’ll all work out. And I’m paying Tom to video tape it, ‘cause that’s the kind of friend I am. |
Gini Koch
Suppose it's not the stairs. Suppose it's some invisible entity living on the stairs that has taken a dislike to Kiki!
