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I Can’t See For Miles and Miles |
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Written by Tiggy
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Wednesday, 30 July 2008 |
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  I am very shortsighted. My maximum range of vision is about 3ft. When I was a child I wanted to be a pilot, but my lack of vision meant I'd probably have my head stuck to the cockpit window the whole flight, shouting "What landing lights? Which building is yours again?" to the terrified air traffic controller.
I know of a medical miracle that will correct my sight in an instant - glasses. However, I also suffer from the condition known as I Already Look Like A Freak Let's Not Make It Worse. Wearing glasses makes me look like Super Ginger Nerd from the planet Retard, and it's not very sexy. Although neither is walking into parking meters, I must admit.
Everyday life is a challenge to those of us in myopic denial. Ordering at a coffee shop is impossible. I stand in the queue squinting at the illegible chalkboard, panicking because I can't make out the selections.
Double…is that almond or apple… something… something… with… Mocha? Mouse?... $2, no $6…
By the time I'm at the head of the queue I give up and order a small cappuccino, the only beverage I have memorized. Think of all the exotic and overpriced coffee concoctions I'm missing out on! I also avoid sandwich bars, burger joints and food courts for the same reason. This is why my lunch usually consists of potato chips from the convenience store.
 To the left of the brown thing?
No, the reason it wasn't moving was because what I was waiting for was actually a big green tree. At least I hadn't tried to flag it down.
I visited the Malaysian rainforest without my geek goggles - I didn't want to look nerdy in the bush, did I? My fellow jungle-trekkers spent the whole trip trying to point me in the right direction of the exotic wildlife.
"See that rare proboscis monkey?"
"No, where?"
"In the tree."
"What tree?"
"The tree to the left of the big creeper."
"I can't see that either. Is it a big monkey? Is it still there?"
And so on, for eight steaming hot hours. I should be thankful my exasperated companions didn't show me a close up of the crocodile pond.
So in my quest to look cool I am unable to look very far. Simply standing closer to the object I wish to view only works to a point - the technique isn't much use for whale-watching trips or firework displays. So I may pluck up the courage to visit my optometrist and try contact lenses.
However, knowing my talent for dropping things… |
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Tiggy
