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  It was a day like any other. I was walking down the street when I heard the first ominous sounds of male lust. First it was simply horns beeping. At me. I admit, I have in the past had the occasional horn beeped at my personage. But this was just plain weird, because it was happening every few minutes.
Then, while I stood at a traffic light, a man in a car who looked like he probably kept a knife in his pants leered at me with an expression akin to a lion spying a dead wildebeest in one of those wildlife programs.
Then, as I crossed the road, another guy yelled out, "How're you doing, cutie?"
Now, before we go any further, I should just like to point out that while I am nice looking woman, I am not a woman blessed with a pair of sea flotation devices. I am less two airbags and more a couple of nice sized chicken breasts. May I also point out that I wasn't strutting down the street wearing just my birthday suit and a g-string the thickness of floss wedged up between my ass-cheeks. No, I was wearing khaki shorts, flat mules, and okay I did have a bit of an uplift bra on under my t-shirt. But, so what, no biggie?
 Beep beep beep. After a while I started to get freaked out. There was an ominous feeling in the air. Like that feeling in the skies in the Hitchcock movie The Birds before the crazy birds swoop. Pretty soon the cacophony of beeps would drive me mad. Maybe I was giving off some super powerful pheremones that day that attracted every trucker in a three mile radius or maybe, just maybe, there was something more sinister going on.
When I got home I took my bra off. It had been a deadly weapon in the wrong hands and I had almost started a war. I thought about all the ogling I had received that day, and, naturally I came to one conclusion: they'd been putting Viagra in the water. Of course! To stop people thinking about the Iraq war and the mortgage crisis and the fact that gas is five dollars a gallon, the powers that be must have put Viagra in the water!
When you think about it, it makes so much sense. Distract them. Distract the men. And the women will be distracted by having to have lots and lots of sex with their Viagra'd up spouses.
No, hear me out, I think I'm onto something here. Has anyone else noticed a recent upswing in the amount of beeping they attract? We should not be duped about such matters.
And if there is Viagra in the water, there is only one solution: grab your muumuus if you don't want to get honked at. |
Emma K
