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  As a last hurrah to the summer before my kids headed back to school, we decided to have a little "camp-out" in the backyard. The kids were totally excited, which helped me overcome any apprehension at the lack of sleep that I would receive. To mix things up a little, we decided to park it on the trampoline instead of a tent.
This would be the first of many mistakes that led to a sleepless night. (for me...not them) I'd like to give a few tips for those over-exuberant dads that may get a wild hair, and choose to have a little overnighter in their backyard.
Mistake 1: Sleeping on a trampoline. I'm sure you remember fun-filled nights on the trampoline as a kid with some buddies. You may also remember that at the time you weighed 63 pounds. With 180 pounds of man blubber, gravity has a much greater effect on your lard-ass. The more weight you have, the harder gravity pulls you into that NOT-SO-SOFT trampoline surface. Add to this the fact that you'll sink to the middle, and wake up in the morning in "kid soup" as they fall helplessly into your fat man sink-hole.Don't forget that Newton's 3rd law is in full effect on the trampoline. Every subtle movement by any occupant will result in a tidal wave of bounce felt by all.  Mistake 2: Camping out under a full moon.
It may be fun for 5 minutes to look at the moon with your kids, but at 3 AM when that furious ball of light is still keeping you awake, you'll be sorry. It roughly appears to be a 200 watt light bulb staring you straight in the face. The only way to remedy the situation is to stick your head inside the sleeping bag. When you wake up an hour later with moisture on your face, just remember it is your own hot musty breath that is the culprit. Mistake 3: Not checking the automatic sprinkler system. This may be a no-brainer for some. As you hear the faint sound of water filling each sprinkler head, you'll break Olympic records as you sprint into the garage in the dark. Mistake 4: Forgetting earplugs. There comes a moment when you are straddling the line between being awake and asleep. This is a breaking point for me. If I am aroused at this time, my “get-to-sleep” frustration level increases 3-fold, thus making it that more difficult to reach that threshold again. It was right at this time on multiple occasions, when the neighborhood dogs would begin their canine chorus. It begins with one solo dog hitting notes I’ve only heard on American Idol. Slowly, all other dogs in the neighborhood decide that they also know this song. At any given time, you’ll have 93 dogs barking. If you think you're irritated by the next-door neighbor with the loud cocker spaniel, you have no idea what it's like at 4:30 AM when the whole neighborhood mutt patrol is still going strong. The primal rage I felt was immeasurable. You may find yourself debating whether or not you should just come in and leave them to sleep by themselves. I did this about 53 times before I left them at 6:30 AM to stick it out alone. (I had a 3 year old out there...thus the need for parental supervision)Did the kids have fun?? You bet. Did I have fun?? Well...they sure think I did. And that's all that matters. |
Matt D
Braff and Ray Romano.
