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  30% less actual food, fortified with Omega, green tea, DHA, extra indigestion, and crispier than ever thanks to the miracles of hydrogenation!
Last week I took a rare trip to the supermarket. I almost never go to the actual supermarket because I order my groceries online and have them delivered from the virtual supermarket. I am a lazy woman who would have my yearly pap smear online if I could, but I was on the prowl for mousetraps, a story for another time.
I walked through the pneumatic sliders and into the 7th circle of hell. What happened to grocery stores carrying food? Coffee bars, soup/salad bars, meat carving stations, oh my. There were giant displays of school supplies, pet clothes and lawn furniture. It took me awhile to spot the food.
I walked around in awe of all the stuff. I was totally distracted from my intended blitzkrieg mission, their intent I'm certain. I ambled down the frozen food section and saw the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed, a pancake riddled with chocolate chips, wrapped around a pork sausage and impaled on a stick. There's a reason food like this is usually only found at the county fair, because if you eat it more than once a year, it's toxic. You know, unless you are actually clinically starving, this can in no way be considered food.
 Next, I almost stumbled over an end aisle display with the new Snickers Charged bar. Do you know what this is? It's a chocolate bar with extra caffeine added to, in their own words, "meet consumer needs and help millions of Americans take back their energy-zapped afternoons, Snickers is proclaiming the post-lunch, pre-dinner hour between two and three p.m. the Snickers Charged Re-Power Hour.” Nevermind voting in the upcoming election, just make sure you take back your energy-zapped afternoons people, know your priorities. There's an image of a rhino on the package which is funny because I don't associate rhinos with lots of energy, they kind of just sit there. Maybe they should have used a monkey, like one of those crazy, hyper, bouncy monkeys or a Jack Russell Terrier, they are the very definition of high-energy; they're like the tweakers of the dog world.
 These bars boost the amount of caffeine generally found in two cans of regular cola . Oh, and they have added Taurine. Taurine is an amino acid that can help with eyesight. I think the makers of Snickers are somehow in cahoots with the video game manufacturers. Get our kids eyesight tip top and get them amped on caffeine and they can stay up all night feeding their video game addiction. The kids that start the day with their Cokes, Starbucks, Redbull can now add to the mix their super charged Snickers.
Next I headed into the cereal aisle when I saw something called Cereal Straws. Did you know that 'they're strawesome'? For fuck sake, this is not cereal, nor should it be in the breakfast aisle. If anything, these should be in the dessert aisle, or better yet, the high-fructose corn syrup aisle. Strawesome? Really? You know what's really strawesome? Living without diabetes.
 And what is it with the odd product hybrids? Have you seen Dawn's Simple Pleasures dish soap and airfreshener? It has vented plastic in the bottom with loose plastic fragrance beads. More plastic packaging in the wake of dwindling fossil fuel supplies, yipee. If things are getting that stinky around your house maybe you should just clean your kitchen. I've got to believe that all this scented product stuff around can't be that good for our sniffers.
Another conspiracy theory is creeping up on me; humor me for a moment. Maybe the food industry is pushing all this scented Airwick, Febreeze, Plug-It-In, Plug-It-Up crap on us because it's purposefully numbing and dumbing down our sense of smell. Therefore when we buy their non-food food, their high fructose, fruit-flavored, genetically engineered-for-colour strawberries that don't taste like strawberries, crappy McCraptastic engineered food (I use that term loosely, like your stools if you eat this stuff), we won't be able to tell the difference.
 Mmmm, Vanilla Chai ice cream, this is good.  Vanilla Chai scented stink-guard, this is not good. And why is everything Tuscan all of a sudden? What's so great about Tuscany anyhow? You know what usually makes stuff Tuscan? Garlic and rosemary, that's right add garlic and rosemary to anything and you can call it Tuscan. In fact, I'm sure Proctor & Gamble are working on a Tuscan-scented deodorant this very minute so you too can smell like the Olive Garden.
Another one in this same camp is extreme, everything's got to be extreme or lovers. I want to see the Extreme, Tuscan-lovers style Pizza Hut Pizza. There's Meat Lovers, Cheese Lovers, they should just be honest and call it like it is, Artery-Clogging, Hope-You-Have-Good-Health-Insurance, Heart-Medication-Lovers Pizza. |
Formerly Fun
