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Written by Uncle Beau
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Tuesday, 07 October 2008 |
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  With the latest Die Hard movie, whatever the name was, you'd think that Mr. Willis would be gettin' tired of being bloody for 2 hours at a time. That would almost be enough to drive you crazy. Crazy like a Burger King employee performing on a mall Santa in the alley behind McDonald's. That's having it your way.
John McLain went nuts somewhere between Die Hard parts 1 and 2, but it's part 17 I'm looking forward to. We're calling it: "Die More Harder: Dying is Almost Impossible When You're Alive" (it's a work in progress title).
It's the year 2134.
 Detective McLain is still alive somehow and more harder than ever. The internet (which is now known as Obamah Land) has been taken over by Chuck Norris Jokes and his string of reality shows entitled "Roundhouse Kick of Love", seasons one through whenever the hell Chuck Norris says ...
McLain now has a reason to stop the future by traveling back in time via a magical Demi Moore blow-up doll (what are the odds, right?), gather everybody that copies-and-pastes those stupid Chuck Norris jokes to their Myspace page on an everyday basis, kick them in the teeth and pee on them while they're down (that last part might be unnecessary, but what can you do, it's in the script).
After the internet wars of 2136, Johnny boy discovers that he's actually an action hero in a movie because a fat kid from Baby Steps tells him so.
 He learns about the 14 and 3/4 monkeys (from the directors of the Naked Gun Eleventeenth and 9/16's of an inch) and winds up in a black and white comic book adaptation where the Invisible Girl gets raped by a yellow troll and Frodo finally stops talking. After another couple of hours he tosses the ol' pigskin around with Homie the Clown and rescues a prepubescent Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike. She hides a gun in her teddy bear along with a live camera feed, with Ashton in the background getting ready to tell Bruce Willis he's been Punked. All in all, he gets so confused that one day he just snaps and tries to kill Matthew Perry twice.
He's got a new book coming out.
He's calling it: "How to Smoke a Reverse Cigarette and Pretend it's Not a Tampon" (also a work in progress). |
Uncle Beau
