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Chuck and Cletus 2.com
News Satire and Funny Photos.
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Written by That Chick
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Wednesday, 19 November 2008 |
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  So you know what happens when you sell your book that you put your heart and soul into and then announce said sale on your blog?
You start getting really weird emails.
Okay, to be fair, I get weird emails a lot. At last count I get about seven hundred emails a day and for some reason when you have a blog and say things like “douchenozzle” a lot, well, people just think you are fair game. But lately, the emails have taken on a whole new tone.
For example, the emails from people who think you are suddenly going to be rich merely because you’ve sold your book. When in truth? When you are a first-timer like me? The actual money you make from each book sold won’t allow you to do things like pay off your mortgage or buy a new car. It might allow you to do things like “Value Size” your sweet tea down at Wendy’s. But beyond that? Not so much. No quitting of the day job.
Also? People really want to help you handle yourself.
Okay, that came out wrong.
Basically, you get these emails from people who are like,
“I’M A REALLY HAPPY FRIENDLY AND ENTHUSIASTIC INDIVIDUAL AND I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO PROMOTE YOU AND YOUR WORK!”
Which is lovely and charming and everything, but then they say things like:
“LET ME HELP YOU CREATE YOUR BRAND!”
My brand? For real? Okay…let me just do it myself: Fat and cheap. Is that a brand?
Le Obese. The Budget Line.
And then they say:
“I CAN TAKE YOU TO NEW HEIGHTS!!!!!”
Which is also lovely and charming and just a bit scary what with the unauthorized use of exclamation points and whatnot, and then they say:
“FOR THE LOW PRICE OF ONLY $3000 A MONTH, I CAN MAKE SURE ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE READ YOUR BOOK!”
Bitch, please. If I had an extra $3000 a month to give you, don’t you think I’d spend it on liposuction? You think I voluntarily walk around with thighs like this?
 Also? What kind of crack are you smoking?
I admit, I’ve allowed myself to get a little caught up in from time to time. I’ll catch myself thinking, “Wow, I’m going to have a book! I’m a soon-to-be published author! All my dreams are coming true!”
And then the dog pukes, I have to sign a homework folder, and my husband screams from the bathroom, “Steph? Can you bring me a roll?”
So. You know. I’m still the same old me.
Whether I want to be or not. |
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That Chick
