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  In this edition of Ask Chick, she responds without being asked. And as you may induce from the title, These letters are all pertaining to her kids' elementary school.
And more specifically, the DROP-OFF LANE. If you have kids that go to her school, and you think you may be a moronic imbecile, beware. You may be insulted if you read on. But then again, you may be so stupid you don't realize it. So read on anyway ... - F. Lawrence Caslin
Dear Jerk-off in the white Honda,
Bitch, please.
As you know because you probably did it last week, idiot parents stop their cars in the parking lot and, without even cutting their engines, push their beloved little wee ones out of the car and speed off. Thus, there are children darting across the drop-off lane.
DO NOT DRIVE SIXTY IN THE DROP-OFF LANE.
Idiot.
Smooches!
That Chick
 Dear Moronhole with the nutsack on your truck,
Douche, please.
Clearly, someone needs to explain this to you and since no one else is willing to step up, it looks like it’s going to have to be me.
There is an area at the school which is clearly marked: PARKING LOT
There is an area in front of the school which is clearly marked: DROP-OFF LANE
The PARKING LOT is for PARKING. You know, parking? When you actually STOP YOUR VEHICLE and GET OUT OF IT? Not for pushing your five-year old and her Hannah Montana backpack out into the cold and driving off as quickly as you possibly can, not even verifying that she, in her shorts and boots in thirty degree weather, safely make it into the school. Parking. Get it? PARKING.
The DROP-OFF LANE is where you need to be. See, it has the words “DROP-OFF” in it and I’m pretty sure that’s what you are trying to do. Drop off little Sarah-Jessica Madison McKenszee and her backpack. Right? Drop-off. So she can go to school and get her education and hopefully, unlike you, TURN OUT. Not so you can make a get-a-way.
Because when you do crap like that? Little Sarah-Jessica Madison MCKenszee has to dart across the DROP-OFF lane to get into the school house. And some bitch in a white Honda is going like, sixty. And you’re going to have a Sarah-Jessica Madison McKenszee pancake to deal with if you aren’t more careful.
See how this works?
Try to do better tomorrow.
XO and stuff!
That Chick
Dear Lady with four hundred children in her gray van,
Bitch, please.
Seriously. I understand how mornings can be very trying. I myself haven’t slept appropriately since, like, 1998 or something. I have to drive 35 miles every single morning to get to work, and seriously, it takes like an hour because for some reason everyone who has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where they are going decides they will go there at 7:15am.
But I digress.
Seriously, it is extraordinarily inappropriate for you to block traffic in the Drop-off lane at the Elementary school because you have neglected to feed your four hundred children breakfast. Yes, I understand that breakfast is an important start to a great day. However. It is not necessary to PARK YOUR VEHICLE in the DROP-OFF lane so those four hundred children can finishing shoveling down the remains of their McDonalds “Big Breakfasts” while you stand outside the car and scream at your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/momma on your cell phone.
Then, quite frankly? When you let them out of the car, one by one and BRUSH THE EGG MCMUFFIN CRUMBS OFF OF THEM WITH THAT SPECIAL BRUSH? We’re are all cursing you. Seriously. CURSING. So you might as well get back in the car and scream at whomever you are screaming at because your children are going to hear WAY, WAY worse from the rest of us.
It’s lovely for you that you have absolutely nowhere to go every day of your life and thus feel obligated and lo, even entitled to spend nineteen and ½ minutes on a task that should take, at best, three. However, the rest of us have to go to work. We don’t get up this early for fun.
So get out of the way.
Thanks!
That Chick
 Dear Idiot in the Yellow Hummer,
Douche, please.
Yes. We all see you. Clearly, that is what you want. Frankly, we could see you and your YELLOW HUMMER from SPACE.
Obviously, as evidenced by the number of people LOOKING AT YOU, you are VERY, VERY SPECIAL. However, this does NOT give you the right to block BOTH SIDES of the drop-off lane, stop your vehicle, get out, and go into the school. What are you doing in there anyway? You’re like, forty. No children are with you. Did you forget your lunchbox in 1971 and just now remembered and came back for it?
I don’t care what your momma told you. You aren’t that special. Your car is flashy, I agree. But you? NOT. SO. MUCH.
Knock that off or I swear to frog, me and that mom in the blue mini-van are going to roll your car into the street.
Kisses!
That Chick |
That Chick
