|
  Dear Obnoxious Make-out Couple,
Let me begin by saying this is certainly not a statement of jealousy*. The way you two flaunt about the gym like true love does exist - shame on you. You, Mrs. Lady. Really, you should stop flaunting your banana rack. It's downright repulsing**. You spend too much of your time boasting your slightly curved and torpedo-like breasts. Shame on you. It's not like any of us guys*** have the desire to watch you bounce, smiling as you walk by, always smelling so good.
And you, Mr. Guy. What is it exactly that you do at the gym? We spectators have been baffled by this for as long as you've been a member. The two of you walk in at the same time, day after day, put your brown sack lunches in the refridgerator and walk together to the locker rooms. Neither of you smile, by the way. Well, the Mrs. smiles, but only when you two are in a lover's quarrell. We all know your state of affairs because we hear your cute little bitch-sessions during your 5-minute stints on the treadmill.  But after you synchronize your 10-minute clothes changing routine, you walk out together and "hit the weights." What this really means is you walk around for a few minutes, talk to a few people, sit down for one measly set of excercises I'm sure you found in the most recent issue of "DoucheBag Mag: The Most Popular Men's Magazine for the Most Unoriginal Men," then Mr. Guy chugs half of his Gatorade to replace all those nutrients he just expelled in the 12 seconds of Hell.
Thank goodness for sports drinks. Mr. Guy might have started to cramp up without all those electrolytes coursing through his hard-working body. Then you walk to each other and make out. In front of everybody. Every single day. This carries on for about 10 more minutes and then you join hands in the middle of the gym and walk to the couch and eat your lunches. By the way, you both look EXHAUSTED. And it's super cute when you sit on the couch, gazing into each other's eyes and the Mrs. pokes the Mr.'s ittle wittle nose and you both laugh. What a couple of cuties you two are. Oh, wait. What's that? It's time to go?! Hurry, kiss in front of everybody a couple more times. Then hold
hands to the locker rooms, change and walk out - the Mr. taking the Mrs. under his big, strong, protective wing. It's cool. You're the reason I enjoy**** being single. We all know you are gonna go home and beat your dogs. Just don't let the neighbors hear.
Sincerely, The Josh
----
* Unfortunately, I am a little jealous. ** Intriguing. *** All of us have stared at one time or another. Usually we discuss the relatively uncommon shape your breasts have taken. But they're boobs. And we are men. We have to look. Sorry. **** Hate |
The Josh
