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  We've all heard that men are from Mars, women are from Venus. But when it comes to what really divides the sexes, TV is the final frontier. I believe that the real problem of miscommunication between the sexes is that when it comes to the TV programs we favor ... Men are from Genocide, Women are from Lifetime (Channel for Women).
Ladies, do you have this particular problem with your husband? You want to spend a cozy evening together, feeding each other popcorn and snuggling up like two bunnies in a burrow, only it is impossible, because he always wants to watch something dripping in gore while you want to watch something dripping in chocolate (Top Chef), dripping in lace (Project Runway), or dripping in schmaltz (A Lifetime Original movie about a woman with six kids who battles breast cancer against the odds).
If I ask my husband what he's watching, he might say, "Oh, just a really great movie in which that guy has just fired a sub machine at that guy and taken his head off and that guy is a terrorist who recently blew up the Kremlin and now he's in a car chase with some guys from the FBI." Giving me a romantic look, he pats the sofa beside him. "Wanna join me?"
To which I reply, "Actually, I think I'll go and read a book."
So I've been thinking about this long and hard. How can the sexes learn to love each other when TV is tearing us apart? The time is ripe, my friends, for a totally new selection of programs, that both the sexes can enjoy, such as:
Death by Cake - Contestants race against the clock to build elaborate cakes in the shape of W Bush's face or a fairytale castle. If they don't finish on time, the Bad Guys come in with the sub machine guns and it's a splatterfest of blood, guts and frosting.
Project Psychobitch - Just like Project Runway, this will be the usual bitchfest of nasty designers, eager to bring their fellow designers down, but in this one the designers won't just trade insults, they'll be given carte blanche to sabotage the other designers' work. Look out for sewing machines accidentally running across flesh, the ripping up of designer dresses and the snipping off of a fellow designer's Mohawk while he sleeps.
Revenge of the Killer Schnitzels - Tired of being just a piece of meat on a person's plate, the Schnitzels at one of Manhattan's top Austrian restaurants band together and decide to take revenge on the citizens of Manhattan. Fleeing the frying pan they terrorize the city, splattering hot fat in their wake and immobilizing the city by burying it in flour. Anyone who stands in the way of the Killer Schnitzels is instantly pounded flat, rolled in flour and eggs and dipped in breadcrumbs before being fried to death.
What do you think? Am I onto something? |
Emma K
