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  I live across the hall from Damien. I live in apartment 2A and she’s right across the hall in 2B. Oh, and she’s also only 4 years old. Don’t kids usually start talking by the age of 4? Well, not Damien. She growls. Like a dog. Like a rabid dog who sees you with HER food in YOUR mouth. I’m quite surprised she hasn’t attacked me or one of the other neighbors yet
Damien is the kind of kid that if I was her mother I would sleep with one eye open and an ice pick under the mattress. Do they make ice picks in the shape of crucifixes? Gotta look into that. Damien looks like a normal little girl. . .she is anything but normal. She screams and growls at the top of her lungs at all hours of the day and night. I’ve heard her screaming at 1AM and I’ve heard her scream at 1PM. Don’t worry, it isn’t the kind of scream that makes it seem as though her parents are beating her – though she might benefit from a good smacking. It’s the kind of scream that sounds like she wants attention. We often find ourselves opening the door and screaming “shut that kid up” but it never works. Who are we to think it would? One day I came home and all I wanted to do was relax. I put in a CD and laid down on the couch and the second my fat ass hit the couch, BOOM! Damien starts screaming. So I turned the music up louder and louder until I couldn’t hear her anymore. Here’s what happened next:  KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK
SMWSBR (stands for Stupid Mother Who Shouldn’t Be Reproducing): I hate to bother you but can you turn your music down? It’s causing my daughter to scream. ME: Are you kidding me? I had to turn the music up BECAUSE your daughter is screaming. SMWSBR: Really? You can hear her? ME: Seriously? Uh, yeah. In fact, I think the troops over in Iraq can hear her. SMWSBR: I never realized that she was that loud. ME: Well, now you know. SLAM OF THE DOOR! Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I can’t wait to have some of my own one day. But hopefully mine won’t growl at other kids and adults. Hopefully mine won’t scream at the top of her lungs at all times. Hopefully mine won’t foam at the mouth or have a tail or the number 666 burned into her scalp. But then, if my kid is like that at least I know where I can get a play-date! |
Mimzie Beaumont
