Dorky Dad
| Five Things You Shouldn't Say At Work |
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| Written by Dorky Dad | |
| Tuesday, 12 February 2008 | |
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Still, after a while one starts to become sympathetic to such pleas. And thus, through painstaking research that took me about 20 minutes during lunch today at work, I compiled a list of the Five Things You Shouldn't Say At Work. Why five? Because I couldn't think of six. Regardless, these are some of the most common mistakes workers make during conversations with their boss. At least I think they are: “Sorry about that mistake, boss. Feel free to take me to the storeroom for a good spanking.” OK, sexual come-ons may be effective at getting ahead at work, depending on your hotness and your boss's moral fortitude and the quality of his company's legal department, but I've found it's never a good idea to encourage spanking. Allowing your boss to use violent management techniques is a slippery slope. If she spanks you today, what's to keep her from chaining you to the desk tomorrow? “I can't work late tonight. I've got to be at the docks to get my shipment of Fiji Banded Iguanas.” Many employers may be OK with moonlighting, so long as it doesn't conflict with the worker's job. They take a different view, however, when the extra job is an illegal reptile smuggling operation. In fact, it's usually a good idea to avoid informing your boss of any extracurricular activity that could possibly be used with the word “felony.” “Nice butt. Did you eat an elephant?” OR “Nice gut. Are you hiding a family of midgets?” Sure, we all want to reduce obesity and its many health problems. But informing your boss of his or her heft is not a good career move. But feel free to use similar phrases when pointing out your boss's thinness. Because, as you probably know, saying something like “My God you're skinny, have you eaten in the last month?” they'll actually take it as a compliment.
"How do you like my super-short cutoffs? They're awesome, especially on days like today when I don't wear underpants." OK, this is more of a what-not-to-DO item than it is a what-not-to-SAY thing. Even if your workplace doesn't have a stated dress code, it's perfectly within reason to expect workers to wear proper undergarments, especially if workers' overgarments are the type that could expose their freely-roaming genitals. And you might laugh and think that I made this up, but my current workplace once had to send home an intern for this very problem – SO THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE!. And by the way, unless you happen to be a model it's never a good idea to wear short cutoffs. But I think that really goes without saying. (*THIS RULE DOESN'T APPLY IF YOUR WORKPLACE PRODUCES MUSIC VIDEOS.)
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I can't go anywhere these days without somebody stopping me on the street, saying “I just lost my job AGAIN! And my bosses keep telling me I have a big mouth. What am I doing wrong?” To this I usually say, “I have no idea. Maybe you have a big mouth. And why are you telling me this? Do I have 'employment counselor' written on my forehead? I don't know you.”
"WHAT? I'm not doing that you worthless &^%$@# $%#@!* $#@!&^" This might be fine if it's your last day or you have a love of being fired. But keeping one's job is generally dependent upon a worker avoiding any cuss-laden refusals to perform a certain task. Your best option is to simply smile, accept the task, then pray and fast for days that your boss forgets the request so you can continue spending time at work Photoshopping your butt to various pictures you find on the Web.| < Prev | Next > |
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