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  Moving to the city has meant that one section of society has become increasingly prominent in my day-to-day living - the homeless. These guys are a fascinating bunch and, without pity or patronising, I'll take you through my guide to the tramp.
Now, from my experience, most of the homeless fall into four categories. Of course like all good guides this is open to expansion so if you have spotted any others feel free to add it at the bottom.
 The Mystery Tramp
These guys are an enigma; you never see anything of them. They're a bit like God - there is no real evidence but you just assume they are there - huddled up under the pile of blankets and cardboard (tramps, not God). I've actually started a very lucrative business stuffing sleeping bags with pillows and leaving them about town, each one accompanied by a cup; at the end of the night I just go and pick up the profits and invest in more sleeping bags….and cups.
The Tramp Who Thinks Ahead
These are the guys that, in the event of an apocalypse, will be the only last survivors. This is mainly due to the fact that their dog really is their best friend - walking along side his master, no lead in sight, or sitting obediently next to him as he rolls a fag (cigarette for you Americans, stop laughing). If Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that people who find themselves surviving against adversity, always has a trusted four legged companion.
(Please note that this would also apply to tramps with horses - if you've seen one)
The 'Musical' Tramp
The only people in the world who continue playing the recorder beyond the age of seven.
The Trump Tramp
Possibly my most favourite kind of tramp because they're the only few who tackle homelessness like they're on an episode of the apprentice. These are the guys who come up to you on the street and ask you in their finest gentry accent whether they could borrow a few quid as they seem to have left their wallet in their dinner jacket when dining with Charles and Camilla yesterday evening. Obviously, they say, if I was to give them my address I will be reimbursed within a few days. You admire their inventiveness but, in all honestly, you were never going to be fooled due to the fact he had vomit down his front and his cock hanging out throughout the whole conversation.
Saying that, he did say he'd been with Camilla.
any others? |
This Is Mark
