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  I admit it. I love television.
Some of my more literary friends would probably gasp in horror now and say things like, "Oh? Television? I don't watch it. Never have. I have no idea who Alex Trebek is." Or something.
But truthfully, if they don't? I'm sad for them for they are missing out on the wonder of the Reality Television Dating Show.
I didn't think I would like reality television, and for the most part, I do not. I've never been interested in "Survivor". I just sort of figure I'll stay out of places like Fiji and Panama and Los Angeles and I'll never have to worry about surviving destitute conditions with a camera crew following me all the time. I managed to avoid "The Simple Life" and "Tommy Lee goes to College" and even (with the exception of the first season), "American Idol". I'm just not interested.
However, I was a poor child growing up and didn't have things like cable and, you know, hope for a brighter future. Now as a grown woman, I watch MTV. And VH1. And sometimes? MTV2. Because they replay "Celebrity Death Match".
Lately, at 4am on Sunday mornings, my husband and I find ourselves watching "Next" on MTV. If you haven't seen this program, here is the basic format:
 Twenty-something individual says something like, "Hi! My name's Clarissa! I'm 19 and I'm a hot sewing machine operator looking for a cool guy to loosen up my buttons!" Or some, equally stupid crap.- Cue Clarissa in about 14 provocative poses involving needles and sewing machines and yarn.
- Clarissa then says today she can date up to five guys. These guys are on the bus. The "NEXT" Bus.
- Then, we meet the five guys. They all look like frat guys or complete rejects. They say things like, "I'm Lupe, I'm twenty-two, and this girl won't NEXT me because I'm a hot firefighter with a great pole!"
- No, I'm being totally serious. They say things like that.
- Then the bus pulls up and it is full of the guys. The guys come off the bus one by one and the girl forces them to endure humiliating challenges that are somehow related to her, what she likes and/or what she does for a living. For example, Clarissa the sewing machine operator would probably have the guys find a needle in a haystack.
- If a guy does anything she deems in any way inappropriate, she says, "NEXT!" and then he has to get back on the bus. He first gets one dollar for every minute he lasted on the date.
- When she finds a guy she wants to keep she says, "We've been on this date for sixty-one minutes. You can have $61 or take a second date with me."
- The guy mulls it over and either says, "I'd love a second date with you" or says, "Bros before Ho's!" or some such nonsense and takes the money.
Okay, it's horrible.
But yet, I watch it. This is what we do at 4am.
And honestly? I think it's good for our marriage. Because we look at this program and then look at each other and say things like, "Good. God. I'm so glad I'm not dating anymore." We also learn to be good parents because we say things like, "I'm sure her mom is SO PROUD of her for licking whipped cream off that guy's chest!"
So really? It's a win-win situation. Bad television without guilt.
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That Chick
