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  Aside from their normal functions, cell phones may soon have several new uses. And I’m not talking about bracelet phones, mobile TV, or high speed internet connections. Something entirely different is on the horizon for the mobile phone industry.
Studies have shown that men who keep their phones in their pockets have reduced sperm counts. A leading cell phone manufacture, seeing the potential of such findings, has confirmed that they are perfecting a model that may double as birth control. In a recent interview, Wi Nowan Morkid explained that the company has developed a cell phone that emits a wavelength that is deadly for sperm, while remaining perfectly harmless for the rest of the body.  “We actually have a working prototype and the results are spectacular. After just a week, the user is left completely sterile. Now we’re just waiting for FDA approval. It’s the little glitch of all the pubic hair falling out that has ‘em worried. But, since these days everybody’s into hair removal anyway, I don’t foresee any problems. And you’re killing two birds with one stone. Who could ask for more?”
When asked about possible long-term effects, Morkid replied that the sterility was completely reversible, at least in most cases. It looks like the slogan “Reach out and touch someone” may be ready for a comeback. And the fashion industry may want to look into bringing back the codpiece with its handy storage space. So, when your girlfriend says, “I forgot to take the Pill, so you can just put your bird back in the cage,” you can ease her mind with, “Don’t worry honey, my bird’s on the wireless.” Condom makers, tremble in your rubber...boots.  Besides controlling man’s little bugs, cell phones may also be used as insect repellent in the near future. Worldwide bee populations have plummeted since the advent of the cell phone.
“We think it screws up their navigation systems, and the little buggers end up getting lost” says Buzz Offnow. “You know that funny dance they do to tell the others where to go, well it seems they’ve started break dancing instead, and it’s making them go nuts. We’re finding bees in the strangest places. Why, just last week a swarm was seen heading for Antarctica.” Sounds like bad news for honey lovers, but at least the killer bee phenomenon will soon be history. And the penguins sure are in for a treat. So, there you have it folks, mobile phones are good for so much more than just making calls. If you want to enjoy life in a garden free of children and bees, just whip out your cell phone and relax. But, for those of you who are looking into starting a family, I suggest you follow the bees. Either that, or invest in a good radiation shield. Remember, every pair of shorts should have a silver lining.
I can just picture next year’s Hallmark ad for Valentine’s Day: Nothing says “I love you” like the gift of our super-shield shorts. |
Mother Theresa
