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Jack Sparrow and the Class-3 Felony |
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Written by Moooooog35
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Saturday, 23 February 2008 |
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  Ah, to be a four year old pirate.
You get ALL the chicks.
Let me explain . . .
My four-year-old son was invited to his first birthday party for one of his friends.
When you’re four, you define a friend as “any other child in the same building.”
If the child is in the same room, this becomes their “best friend.”
When you’re older, you define a friend as “someone who doesn’t violate your anus without your consent.”
At least that’s how I define mine.
 Capt Jack Sparrow
(at four, gymnastics is basically the “art of running around yelling ‘I’m Spiderman’ and making shooting (‘choom – choom’) noises while sometimes doing somersaults . . . usually by accident”)
A room full of four year olds is akin to being at a local shelter for homeless dogs:- There’s lots of noise
- There’s lots of chaos
- Sometimes, there’s poo on the floor
At one point in the party, the birthday boy exclaimed that he was “Captain Jack Sparrow . . . Pirate!”
Awesome.
Isn’t that movie, like, rated PG-13? Didn’t I see people getting run-through with swords?
TOTALLY appropriate for a four year old.
Good job, Captain Jack’s dad.
Here . . . why don’t you babysit my son for a bit. However, please refrain from giving him TOO MUCH alcohol – because sometimes he takes his pants off. And, really . . . none of us want to see that.
Anyway . . .
So while they’re playing “pirate,” one of the little girls looks at me and says:
Girl: “I’m his mate!”
Um . . .
What?
Me: “Um . . . ”
Girl: “I’m Captain Jack’s first mate!”
 Barney in Caligula
OH.
Wait a minute.
You’re a PIRATE mate.
Christ almighty.
For a second I had this twisted vision of “Caligula meets Barney.”
It was NOT pretty. Especially the “I love you, you love me” montage.
I mean, really . . . that Barney is HUNG.
Sorry . . . sorry. This is how my mind works.
And I think I just violated my parole.
Great . . . I may need to register with my town now. |
Moooooog35
