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Jack Sparrow and the Class-3 Felony |
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Written by Moooooog35
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Saturday, 23 February 2008 |
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 Ah, to be a four year old pirate.
You get ALL the chicks.
Let me explain . . .
My four-year-old son was invited to his first birthday party for one of his friends.
When you’re four, you define a friend as “any other child in the same building.”
If the child is in the same room, this becomes their “best friend.”
When you’re older, you define a friend as “someone who doesn’t violate your anus without your consent.”
At least that’s how I define mine.
 Capt Jack Sparrow So, this party happened at the place where my son does gymnastics.
(at four, gymnastics is basically the “art of running around yelling ‘I’m Spiderman’ and making shooting (‘choom – choom’) noises while sometimes doing somersaults . . . usually by accident”)
A room full of four year olds is akin to being at a local shelter for homeless dogs:- There’s lots of noise
- There’s lots of chaos
- Sometimes, there’s poo on the floor
At one point in the party, the birthday boy exclaimed that he was “Captain Jack Sparrow . . . Pirate!”
Awesome.
Isn’t that movie, like, rated PG-13? Didn’t I see people getting run-through with swords?
TOTALLY appropriate for a four year old.
Good job, Captain Jack’s dad.
Here . . . why don’t you babysit my son for a bit. However, please refrain from giving him TOO MUCH alcohol – because sometimes he takes his pants off. And, really . . . none of us want to see that.
Anyway . . .
So while they’re playing “pirate,” one of the little girls looks at me and says:
Girl: “I’m his mate!”
Um . . .
What?
Me: “Um . . . ”
Girl: “I’m Captain Jack’s first mate!”
 Barney in Caligula Well . . . really . . . how many mates can he have had? I mean, he’s only four.
OH.
Wait a minute.
You’re a PIRATE mate.
Christ almighty.
For a second I had this twisted vision of “Caligula meets Barney.”
It was NOT pretty. Especially the “I love you, you love me” montage.
I mean, really . . . that Barney is HUNG.
Sorry . . . sorry. This is how my mind works.
And I think I just violated my parole.
Great . . . I may need to register with my town now. |