Despite what the fine folks at the Gerber Company would like you to believe, not all newborns are cute.

This is an issue with me because everyone I know is pregnant.

They can’t help it, I guess. Something about being the age I am and the fact that I associate largely with married people, people in committed relationships, and sluts. Every time I turn around, someone is telling me they are having a baby.

Which is cool, you know. I love kids.

Newborns? Not so much.

I think I’m just bewildered by them, more than anything. I’m not a typical girl and when I had children nearly ten years ago they were ripped from my womb via a small cut in my side. Which was really awesome when my son asked where babies came from and could just, you know, lift the side of my shirt and not have to traumatize him for life, but not so cool when people expect me to understand about the miracle of childbirth. I just don’t get it.

Pretty Baby

My son? Looked like an old man when he was born. An angry, constipated old man. And a lot of babies? Look just like my son.

Several years ago two of my married friends who are possibly the most attractive people on this planet, decided to have a child together. I was absolutely certain that this would be the most beautiful baby, ever. Because these people? Were hot.

The baby is born. I go to the hospital to visit. I take one look and say:

“Wow! That sure is a baby!”

Ugly Baby

I know that’s not nice. I know that what matters is what is on the inside and I’ll tell you that this child is nearly eleven now and she’s very pretty. But day one? No. Not so much.

And you can’t even tell people that, you know? Hormones and whatnot and people get all pissy and think that their baby is the most lovely baby EVER and that you SUCK for thinking otherwise and probably? You might even burn in hell for smack talking a baby.

I can’t help it.

That was some baby.

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Bookworm - Outreach IP:74.93.179.121 | 2008-02-21 14:53:48 OMG that is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. And so very true. My friend from high school and his wife had a baby and OMG she was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen! We used to call her "Pogo" after the cartoon character (not in front of them, of course!!). Yeah, she looked like that. Don't know who Pogo is? Look it up and imagine that face on a baby. Not pretty. Now? She's 16 now and an absolute knockout. But then? Scary. Reply 0   0

jill/Lil Mouse IP:12.217.209.193 | 2008-02-21 15:04:50 yup, most of the time, i go, oh, looks like a baby! and smile real big when i see pictures. or, i think they're hideous but only confide to my husband, because to me, ALL BABIES LOOK THE SAME! Reply 0   0

Robyn IP:74.183.187.26 | 2008-02-21 20:36:33 My husband's cousin, just had her baby in december. She was tiny (6lbs2oz) and she was LONNNG and skinny! My husband called her the love baby of Gollum (from lord of the rings) He actually said it in front of his cousin. She's got a good sense of humor tho. She sure is a pretty baby now tho! I think all newborns need time to outgrow their ugliness. Not mine tho, they were beautiful, and still are Reply 0   0

Cheryl - As Cute as it can Be IP:64.12.116.136 | 2008-02-22 09:36:10 From the South here also, and my mom taught me to say "that baby is as cute as it can be" covers all basis and is a true statment... Reply 0   0

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