Mimzie Beaumont
| Tonight On FOX: When Squirrels Attack |
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| Written by Mimzie Beaumont | |
| Monday, 10 March 2008 | |
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Every few steps I would turn around and he would be closer than before until finally he was about 2 feet from me. I started walking faster – so did he. I crossed to the other side of the street – so did he. I started running – so did he. I finally started doing some zigzag movements like they tell you to do when you’re being chased and attacked by a beastly animal - and let’s face it, what is a squirrel if not beastly? – and he finally left me alone.
He started throwing popcorn at them – or whatever Satan’s pets eat – and slowly more squirrels would magically appear, until there were close to 20 or so. As these squirrels were eating the popcorn one saw me, as did 1 or 2 of his friends. I turned to see what was behind me and when I turned back around most of the other squirrels were already making their way over to me. Finally my ex-boyfriend realized that this wasn’t my imagination and helped me run them off. I hate squirrels. And PETA would hate me if they knew that I actually go out of my way to hit them with my car. I have no idea why squirrels have it out for me. I always thought they were the kind of animal that if you left them alone, they would leave you alone – you know, like a slider turtle or an old Chinese man. But squirrels attack and they will kill you if you let them. So next time you see a rat with a big bushy tail, beware! They can be crafty little bitches.
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I once lived on a nice little tree lined street and I would walk in the mornings to the train station to go to work. One morning in particular, I noticed a squirrel behind me. He was probably a few yards behind me but still, he was there, just lurking – oh yes, squirrels are lurkers. They stake you out before they pounce on you and attack. 
I tried to explain to my boyfriend at the time but he wanted nothing to do with it. He thought I was crazy until. . .we went on a weekend trip to DC. We were at some lesser monument when we saw a few squirrels – by “few” I mean about 4 or 5. My ex-boyfriend decided it would be fun to feed them while ignoring my screams of terror and torment. 
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