I woke up this morning with that feeling.  No, not the spinning, dizzy in the head hangover feeling, the other feeling, the one that means I’m getting sick.  It starts with that sensation that someone has been scraping the spot where your nasal passages meet your throat, and is generally followed by a sore throat and all your energy retreating to some hidden corner of your body, leaving your limbs all wobbly like Bambi's before he figured out that a skunk is not a flower…or was it after he found out?

But I’m still not sick enough to be in bed. 

So, here I am, trying desperately to make my swimming head come up with something that might be considered reasonably amusing.  The problem is that all my funny seems to have run off with my energy.  For all I know, the two of them may be somewhere in the Bahamas drinking daiquiris, or whatever the hell it is they drink over there, and chummily laughing at the thought of me sitting here in front of my computer with nothing even remotely funny to say.  Maybe if I had some codeine, my funny might come back.  He does love a good party.  But I don’t have any of that either.

All I can think about is who did this to me.  I’m sure I didn’t get this way from standing naked in the rain, not for lack of standing around naked, but mainly because it hasn’t rained here in weeks. 

So, who was it?  Could it have been the dentist?  I thought I heard her sniffling while her back was turned.  Or maybe it was the woman who runs the bakery.  After all, she does handle the bread with her bare hands.  It might have been one of the parents at school.  A quick “hello” is enough to send the germs flying.  Who knows, it might even have been that pigeon I passed the other day while shopping.  I could have sworn it looked at me funny, and with all those chicken flu stories going around…

Well, whoever did this to me, I want revenge.  What makes people think that when they are sick they should drag themselves to work, where they’ll be useless anyway?  Why is it that people feel compelled to do the grocery shopping when they are sick?  Haven’t they heard the thing about “feed a fever, starve a cold”?  Or is it the other way around?  I can never remember.  Oh well, the key word here is starve.  Stay at home people, and starve a little, most of you could do to lose a few pounds anyway. 

But no, sick people are everywhere, except in their beds, happily sharing their germs with the rest of us.

I feel like knocking on the guilty party’s door and sneezing in their face.  If only I could figure out who it was, it might be a little easier.  Like the time when I was minding my own business in the mall, and a guy sneezed all over me as he passed.  Two days later I was sick as a dog, swearing that if I ever saw him again I’d give him syphilis…Oh wait, I don’t have that, so that wouldn’t have worked anyway.

Even if I did find the person who gave me this virus, which I’ve decided to name Stanley to make our time together a little less disagreeable, sneezing on them wouldn’t work.  Once you’ve had a virus, either you die or you become immune to it.  So, if this person is still alive, I couldn’t give Stanley back to them, even if I tried.

This makes getting revenge so much more difficult.  I would have to find another virus, and pass Stanley on to someone else in the process, and go back to find the guy who made me sick.  Too complicated.  I’m just too tired to do that, so maybe I’ll just take revenge by going forth into the streets and letting Stanley reproduce himself to his heart’s content.

Come on Stanley, go make everybody else sick, so that maybe they’ll think twice about heroically going to work or doing the shopping, only to infect everyone that crosses their paths.

But spare my kids please.  Otherwise I may just run off to the Bahamas to join my funny.

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