Have you ever been asked the question, “if you could be any animal in the world, what animal would you be?” It’s one of those dumb questions that always seem to pop up when trying to get to know someone. I think the better question would be “what animal are you most like?” Because if you’re asking me what animal I want to BE like, I would say a tiger. Why? Because they are predators and if they want something, they take it. End of story. I can understand that. 

The other night my boyfriend and I were watching an animal show on one of the HD channels. The first animals discussed were tigers. And in HD they are even MORE incredible. Here are some interesting facts about tigers and me:

• An adult tiger needs about 10 lbs. of meat a day, but can eat up to 90 lbs. in one sitting. Yeah, I love, love, LOVE meat. I can’t imagine ever having to be a vegetarian. I would just die! I’ve never eaten 10 lbs of meat in one day, but I would give it a try.
  

• Tigers dislike heat and if they can, will spend most of the day lying in the water. Uh, hello? My own Mother won’t come visit me in the summer months because when I get hot I get VERY mean and nasty. I’ve been that way all my life.
  

• A tiger can spend up to eighteen hours sleeping. That’s nothing as far as I’m concerned. I can remember a time when I would go home on a Friday night from work, put on my pajamas and be in bed by 7pm. I would sleep until about 1PM the following Saturday. I would then get up, have a bowl of cereal and then take a little nap from about 3pm until 8pm. At that point I would get up, pee and go to bed for the night. I would get up on Sunday around 1PM and couldn’t have been happier.
  

• Tigers can copulate up to six times an hour. SIGN ME UP!!!

• Approximately fifty humans are killed by tigers each year. Shit, I can think of 50 people I would love to shoot right now!

 Now with all of that being said, I realize that that’s the kind of animal that I would like to emulate. However, it isn’t the animal that I am most like. After they went to a commercial break they came back talking about elephants and that’s when I realized, I’m an elephant. The poor guy’s ass was so big that they couldn’t even fit it all into the screen shot. The elephants’ skin was all leathery and wrinkled – just like me! Here are some interesting facts about elephants and me:

• 

  Me taking a bath.
  Elephants spend as much as twenty hours a day eating! A full-grown African elephant can weigh more than 10,000 pounds! 20 hours of eating? I’ve never actually done it, but I bet I can! Dear God, please let me come back as an elephant. Amen.

• Older elephants rarely lie down. It is quite difficult for them to get up. Yep. I hear ya, honey. Once I’m down, that’s it. I’m no spring chicken!
  

• When elephants sit and then rise, they extend their front legs and rest their weight on their knees. They then tip forward and heave themselves up on hind feet. Damn! I have to try this. Sometimes when I’m sitting on the floor I wait until everyone leaves the room before I attempt to drag my fat ass up. Sometimes I will sit on the floor for hours, not able to feel my ass anymore, just waiting for the room to clear out.
  

• Elephants can’t jump. I haven’t had a reason to jump in quite some time but I bet you $10 I can’t. And if I do, I bet I land on my ass. But don’t worry, now I know the proper way to get up.

It’s startling to think you’re majestic like a tiger only to realize that you’re more lumbering, like an elephant. Oh well, at least I’m not like one of those flies that are attracted to poop on African tribal kids that Sally Struthers is always trying to get us to adopt.

 

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