Having recently vacationed in Florida (state motto: "If you're not old, get the f*ck OUT!"), I've realized something about restaurants.

In Florida, you're greeted - for the most part - by cheery, slim, attractive women.

In my state of New Hampshire, you're greeted - for the most part - by cheery, fat, muffin-topped disasters in tight shirts.

I'm not sure why this is.

I can only surmise that the interview for hostess at my local Chili's goes something like this:

Manager: "So, why do you want to work at Chili's? The people? The atmosphere?"

Tubby: "The employee discount on 'The Blooming Onion.'"

Manager: "Do you look horrible in tight pants?"

Would you like a double-decker cheesecake with that?

Tubby: "Awful.  I go to great lengths to exaggerate this look by accessorizing with rhinestone belts that would barely latch together if they were strapped around a rhino."

Manager: "Do you have back fat?"

Tubby: "I have several rolls and am currently working on an eigth one. My shirts often come up higher than my beltline, and I am able to expose my arm flab by wearing short sleeves in any weather - even below freezing."

Manager: "I think you have all of the qualifications we need.  You're hired.  Welcome to Chili's!"

Tubby: "Thanks.  Can I get a Blooming Onion to go?"

Listen.  I've got nothing against overweight people. 

In fact, I actually have a slight fat-fetish, as long as I cannot successfully hide from the police inside a girl's fold.

Actually... 

...come to think of it, I may even change this opinion if she manages to smuggle a Blooming Onion in there.

I love those things.

This also explains my very own muffin-top.

I should apply at Chili's.

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