and I'm not afraid to use it!!

Dozens of people died when every single electronic device in the local hospital abruptly quit working Friday afternoon. Police say that, just before the event, witnesses spotted a visitor talking on a cell phone ...

A 747 jumbo jet crashed shortly after takeoff Monday, killing all but one of the 300 passengers. The lone survivor was found chatting on the cell phone with her old college roommate Barb ...

Cell phones are the most powerful devices on Earth. We all know how they enrage drivers, annoy entire arenas filled with people attending a hushed performance, disturb big weddings, small funerals, and major political speeches and give important people excuses to leave boring work meetings.

These little 4-ounce doomsday devices can also bring entire hospitals to their knees while routinely forcing big passenger jets to crash land into corn fields.

Oh, wait a minute. No they can't.

I've had a cell phone for more than a decade, which means that just about everybody has had a cell phone for about a decade. During that decade I have taken numerous plane flights and, unfortunately, visited several hospitals. I even admit to occasionally – GASP! -- actually making cell phone calls from both locations.

I have yet to be involved in a cell phone-caused plane crash. And as far as I know nobody's life support system was knocked out by my call to inform Uncle Hal of my new family arrival. And I have yet to read either of the two stories at the top of this post.

Are they saying that my 4-ounce flip phone can bring down a 400,000-pound jumbo jet? Those jets are built to carry huge numbers of passengers and cargo and fuel while staying airborne despite a hellish series of atmospheric elements. My cell phone can't make a freaking call if the building it's in is too thick or it's not glued to a wireless tower or the humidity is too high or Mars isn't properly aligned with my local Subway. And it'll gradually die a slow death, finally petering out, conveniently, just as my two-year contract is up.

No, no, no ... I said tee time is at 10!

I'll tell you what would happen: They'd die.

Two hours into their cell phone fast they'd have to be admitted into the psychiatric department of their own hospital. Fortunately, most people visiting hospitals have learned to be like their doctors by ignoring that stupid rule.

I'd like to think that I carry an immense amount of power in that holster I wear on my belt every day, but unfortunately I don't. If I did, I would have retired long ago thanks to all that ransom money I'd have brought in. $1 million pal, or I'm taking this whole building down with me. I've got a cell phone and I'm not afraid to use it!

Traveling on an airplane or visiting a hospital is unpleasant enough. Maybe it'd be just a wee bit better if they didn't insult my intelligence during those visits.

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mark IP:90.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-03-13 12:20:53 I was once told off by a little old lady because I was speaking on the phone whilst filling my car up at the petrol station! To be fair my phone was carved from flint and I was wearing my steel gloves. Reply 1   0

red mojo IP:71.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-03-14 08:14:13 Sounds like you're lucky to be alive! I wouldn't continue just ignoring rules like that. Rules are there for a reason and that reason is, to protect you from yourself! You like life on the edge! But, you have a family to think of now. It's time to act responsibly, and stop thinking you're going to live forever. Stop putting yourself and the others around you at risk by carelessly making cell phone calls, all willy-nilly, whenever the feeling strikes you. And you call yourself a patriot! No wonder this country is trillions in debt, and has lost it's moral compass! People like you are a greater threat than terrorism! Reply 0   0

Daniel IP:138.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-03-19 07:56:57 I would really be afraid to fly if I believed that crapola about no cell phones or electronic devices can be used on a flying plane. They didn't interfere with the 9/11 hijackers with everyone calling home to say I love you for the last time. Reply 0   0

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